Meet Me Halfway

A change of season

2012-01-29T06:30:00.006+08:00

Flying halfway across the world isn't easy. It's a long, restless, hard, expensive, cold, lonely journey. And not many would do that in this world, except maybe for education. Or a family trip and things like that. It's not easy being away from home and the people you call family. It's not easy having to change the way you eat, or dress. It's not easy not being able to crack a simple Malaysian joke, just because no one else would understand my gibberish blabs.

I am being honest.

Although being in this country seems like the best idea of a perfect life, it really isn't all that great. Guess there really is no place like home. It gets hard sometimes, but there are always things that get me by everyday. Little things. Simple things.

Like I said, flying halfway across the world isn't easy. But he flew for me. He went through the long, restless, hard, expensive, cold, lonely journey. For me.

Having him around for a whole week has changed us miraculously. Turned us around. Turned me around.

He left home with nothing on his mind but a simple

"Let's fall in love again perhaps"

And I did. I fell in love with him all over again, just like when we were kids a year ago. When nothing had to matter but school and clothes.

The past few months have been hard and we built a wall out of our own strained minds, placing us further away from each other. But there he was, on that very day. Smiling across the platform, wearing a look as if he was praying for a perfect miracle. I flew into his arms and grabbed him by the back of his neck, while he caught me and twirled me around, just like in the movies. He smelled exactly the same. Just the way I love it and that hug kept me warm for the next few minutes, atleast.

That moment itself, I was convinced that he is the one for me. If he isn't, what else could explain the way my heart was skipping beats and how my lips were running out of words to utter. How I had to hold my breath, just so the whole airport wouldn't hear me scream. I knew for sure, he is my husband.

Hours felt like minutes. Days felt like seconds. And the week felt like a nice, warm dream. Believe it or not, he flew halfway across the world for me and I doubt even the most charming prince wouldn't bother to fix this change of heart. He's not prince charming, he's not Hercules, he's not some rich boy you see spoiling his princess. He is much more than that. He's real. And he would fly across the world for me. Nobody can ever fill in his shoes because he is my everything.

And no matter where we end up in our lives, together, apart, as a family, or just acquaintances, I will always love you. I will always love you because of who you are to me and who you will always be. My savior. My hero. The guy of my dreams. I will forever love you.

6 Months and A Day

2012-01-16T00:26:00.004+08:00

So, Im back :) Back in Brighton. Back to where fairytales become bullshit and shit gets real. (wtf?) But I've grown to look at this all in a whole different way. This is a good kind of reality, it really is. I am completely blessed with the chance to study in such a calming environment. Where the sea is just a walk away and how the wind blows as if you're on an island. I love this place. It might take me some time to realise this, but I really do love Brighton. It feels like home for some reason :)

Stay. Stay. Stay.

2012-01-03T22:45:00.004+08:00

To be honest, things haven't been at all perfect for the both of us. People told me it was distance, but now that we're so physically close to each other, our sand castle seems to be falling down nonetheless. I admit, it was me who's been pulling back and it was me who made such a huge deal about the most unreasonable matters. And it was definitely my indecisive mind that has been haunting his nights.

If only a part of me could see how hopeful his heart is and how he longs for what we used to have. If only I could shut my eyes and everything between us would enlighten, and we'd be whole again. If only, Sayang. If only I wasn't made to be such a selfish being.

Some days I look at you and my head wonders who is it, really, that I'm looking at. Some days I see myself being married to you, spending my life with you. Some days your words grow more pointless and our conversations become empty. Then those days just turn into questions, that I can never bring myself to answer.

Do I still love him? Will I devote myself to him? Is it him I choose to stay loyal to? Is he the one I want by me through my years ahead? I don't know. Something, somewhere has gotten into me and it somehow managed to put my plans in such a mess. Nothing is clear anymore. I don't even know what I want anymore.

How is this possible? He used to be my everything. I would do anything for him. Now, I can't even bring myself down the pedestal to spare him a nice conversation in the car. My words get more harsh day by day. My treatment towards him grow cold, as I watch him swallow every inch of pain down his throat. After all these time, how could he possibly look at me the exact same way? I hate feeling like this. I hate how I would let myself take him for granted.

I pray to God, and I will pray hard for us to make it through. I love you. And though at times I don't tell you anymore, I still do. And I think about you every passing moment, everyday. I still crave for your voice at night, Eddy. I still long for your touch, how the skin of your fingers run perfectly between mine. I still tell my friends about you. I still wear your ring. I still choose to stay even when I could feel us falling. We'll fall together, ok? No matter where life decide to bring us, lets stay together. Let us build a home together and watch our kids grow together.

Let's start over? You and Me and nothing else should matter. Through thick and thin right? And everything in between?

Let's start fresh. Let's give way to the new beginning of our new chapter. 010111 brought us together, 010112 expects us to fight for each other. And fight we will. I will. I promise. I'm still very much in love with you, I know I am. Just help me find it in me so we could be us again. I love you Eddy. I love you so much. No one could ever replace you.

01011TWO

2012-01-03T20:49:00.004+08:00

It was a little after 4 when he picked me up that afternoon. We wasted hours at the grocery store shopping for ingredients and food to bring to the new year's party at Charles's apartment that night. We cooked, we cleaned, we drove, we cursed (though I did most of the job), we laughed and we spent every passing hour together.

The night was beautiful, the crescent moon so gorgeously glowing with the little stars that looked like shinny dots from where I was standing. As soon as we arrived at the apartment, I knew it was going to be an amazing night because everything felt right and I had nothing to worry about. I had my boys around and I had my man by me.

I sat down and the stupidest jokes started falling out of our mouths. I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. For once, home actually felt like home. Amid the crazy voices and loud music filling up the night, he tugged my hair and offered me a spoonful of the pasta we cooked in the evening. I opened my mouth like a little brat and he, smiling back, as if he knew I was expecting him to feed me. The night went on. Perfectly. We ate like cows, then we swam, then we ate again, not realising how quickly the hours were passing by.

2 hours to go, and it'll be a year since I made you mine, he said.

I know right? I answered and went out of the pool to do something so unimportant, I can't even remember what it was.

10 more minutes bitches! Charles screamed. And the boys got all retarded with their bellies filled with beer and hearts filled with enthusiasm. The music got louder though I could hardly hear a thing, but my heart pounding behind my chest. My ear drums were drumming along to the fading sound from the radio and the boys' screaming voices. We all stood by the pool, on that very rooftop, hand by hand, side by side and waited eagerly for the fireworks.

There it is! Shit! Yaaaay! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh; I screamed. Shrieking and grabbing on Eddy's hands, pointing towards the set of fireworks from the right. Charles welcomed my excitement while pointing to those he saw on the left. And alltogether, we jumped into the pool like a bunch of monkeys. The huge splash of water that hit my face and almost drowned my body, told me it was a new year. It told me that everything that has happened now only live in my memories and whatever that was coming was the start of a whole new chapter in my life.

From the floor of the pool where I landed, I swam back up towards the surface of the water and immediately took in my first breath for the year. It felt relieving, literally. I rubbed my eyes and felt a grasp underwater, someone from behind, pulling me from the front of my stomach. The force made my head bang into his chest and with my great sense of reflexes, I elbowed him back. He hugged me. I could feel his warm arms around me as he rested his chin on my head, as usual. We were all still completely amazed by the fireworks, and he was randomly fiddling around with my fingers. Amid the chaos, he lifted my right hand and I then realised him sliding something between my fingers, so I glanced down. And saw a shinny piece of white-gold resting on my 4th finger.

I kept quite. Wordless. Speechless. While I felt his lips on the side of my head and along with a voice so soothing he said 'Happy Anniversary, Boo. It has your name on it'

I held his hands a little harder than I did, still quite as before. I could feel his hug growing tighter as if he was somehow waiting for me to say something back. 'I love you' he continued.

I told him I loved him too and we spent the next half an hour in the pool, together being thankful for the year that had past us and hopeful for the year to come.

Happy New Year baby. And Happy Anniversary. A year together, and Im still crazze over you.

Heavy heart

2011-12-14T02:10:00.000+08:00

What I'd give to be back home.

Serendipity

2011-12-13T16:16:00.002+08:00

My family flew over to see me. That explains why the emo posts have all faded away. HAHA. Im such a drama queen I know, I know. I'll take the applause.

So, I've spent 2 whole weekends with my family and it was absolutely just what I needed. My feelings have been all over the place, it was only up to minutes till I make stupid decisions along the way. I thank God for the faces I've missed so terribly bad. It was such a warmth in the heart to be able to crack the silliest jokes with my brothers around and smack my sister's butt everytime I get the chance. Seeing my Daddy complain about his ever-growing tummy and Mama, just being her. Just what I need.

It definitely felt like home. Only a few thousand miles away.

Now I'm just counting down the days till I get to see Eddy. I don't think words could describe how joyous I would be the second I see him waiting for me at the airport. Days away. Only days away.

Im A Restless Cat

2011-12-13T16:06:00.002+08:00

Counting down the days till I come home.

Bright Lights

2011-12-08T03:20:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday Ma,

You're the only person who knows how to calm me down. The only person who knows why I get angry at the weirdest times, the only person who still loves me through it all.

Growing up by you has been such a wonderful journey. So joyous, so colourful, so beautiful.

Thank you for always looking at me through your honest eyes. Thank you for always sparing me chances to change to be better. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for still believing in the good side of me, even when all else fails.

Thank you for putting me close to God. Thank you for letting me share stories and secrets.

Thank you for pigging out with me on brownies and ice cream. Thank you for all our shopping sprees. Thank you for the manicure and the pedicure sessions. Thank you for the amazing trips around the world.

Thank you for being the best friend I never had. The teacher I always wanted. The sister I could always count on. But most importantly, thank you for being you. And thank you for loving me the way I am.

I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't know where I'll be. You're the only person in this world who loves me at my weakest.

Happy 42nd Birthday. Because I know you don't mind being 42 :) I love you endlessly.

Love is really nothing, but a dream that keeps waking me

2011-12-06T04:33:00.005+08:00

Nothing is perfect in this life, in this world. Nothing.

I just realised that not everything will turn out as good as I expect them to. I learnt that it's ok if things get blurry and dull sometimes, its ok. It's ok if things get really tensed up and shaky, and you feel like throwing yourself all over the place. Its ok.

It's ok if you run out of words to say on the screen, and it's ok if you've heard the same thing over and over again. Its ok.

It's ok if your conversations feel like an empty tin, and it's still ok if your promises feel like a burden day by day. It's ok.

Because this is what being with someone is all about. You grow together, you fly together, you fall together, you catch each other. You try together, you fight together, you cry together. You learn together, you laugh together, you comfort each other.

So it's ok if things go bad. It's ok if things go really bad. It's ok if your feelings are all over the floor and you're probably too tired to put them back together. It's ok. Because at the end of the day, if the love was once there, it will forever be there. I promise.

Steady my breathing, silently screaming 'I have to have you now'.

Build me a home, sweet love.

2011-12-06T03:19:00.000+08:00

Young blood

2011-11-30T20:38:00.002+08:00

You know when they say, friends are forever? Truth be told, that's all bullshit.

Siuvon is the only soul in my life right now who genuinely gives a flying fuck about my existence, while everyone else is off worshipping my absence. You never know who really cares about you in this world. Until you leave, and you see who grieves.

Its amazing how years and years of friendship goes to waste, with distance. Its simply amazing having to accept the fact that people you've spent your childhood and school days with, don't appreciate you. As a matter of fact, they don't even bother to pretend like they do.

I've known Siuvon for hardly half a year and up until now, she's the only person who still sticks around and thinks about me once in a while.

I honestly don't expect much, but the least anyone else could do around here is act like I still mean something in your lives. Your selfishness seems to be eating my heart out. Watch me try acknowledging your presence when I'm back home, and watch me fail.

Thinking with thunders

2011-11-28T05:13:00.007+08:00

I know you're the one, I can feel it inside me. I can tell by the way my heart beats calmly to your voice. I can tell by the way my mind wanders off freely to our random imaginations. I can tell by the way my day would feel brutally incomplete without you.

Though I might seem like I'm standing on the other side of the road, or feel further away from you than I ever have been. Though my words feel ice cold, and my passion seems dishonest. Though my days seem unnecessarily filled, and my actions seem disloyal. I know you know, how we felt about that night. When you made me yours, and I made you mine.

"I don't know how i can hang on but theres this feeling in my gut thats been telling me, she's the one. She's the one whose gonna love me through thick and thin. She's the one whose gonna take care of me when i fall sick. She's the one that i will build my home with. Everything i do reminds me of her. She has this aura that is so strong, 6557 miles away seems like she's at home."

Pardon my wrong judgements.

Pardon these harsh replies.

Pardon my rude presence.

Pardon me.

Because at the end of the day, my day has no end without you. It feels like an everlasting nightmare. Please take me back to how it used to be. I know I am still madly in love with you.

I love you, Boo.

Ya, I know. Why do you say that everyday. Its annoying.

Because I love you everyday.

If you can wait till I get home

2011-11-23T06:34:00.003+08:00

This is where I'll always be,

Where our hearts beat like 1 + 3

In between your noons, and all through your nights,

I'll be here through your comforts and frights

This is where I'll always be,

Where our hands brush like the waves from the sea

Inside your thoughts and around in your mind,

I'll be there waiting for you to come find

This is where I'll always be,

Where our love grows over my body

In between your fingers and resting on your chest,

I'll be there promising, you're my ever last

This is where I'll always be,

Looking at a view only our eyes can see

Paint me hope with colours of loyalty,

And I'll be here always, and for eternity

Missing you quite terribly.

Sweet Lullaby

2011-11-21T05:34:00.004+08:00

I fell sick one morning; Body heating up, head throbbing hard, legs shaking from the cold.

Skype? He asked as usual.

I didn't say much, and turned my laptop on right away. My head felt as heavy as bricks and my throat was burning for no apparent reason.

I don't feel too good, Sayang. I'm going back to sleep, I said. Sounding as blunt as usual.

I'll be here anyway, that lovely voice answered.

I went back into my uncomfortable sleep and woke up every half an hour from then on, as the morning dragged along. But somehow every single time I opened my eyes, I would see him right there on the screen. Watching over me. Still. Just like he said he would. At times where I was too tired to even see if he was there, my simple "Bammy?" would be peacefully replied with a "Im here, Boo. Go back to sleep"

Tell me who else in this world would stay 5 hours on a static screen?

I told you he's one in a million.

A night to remember

2011-11-21T05:00:00.004+08:00

I watched a live performance of another one of my most FAVOURITE bands ever; A DAY TO REMEMBER and my god, it was one hell of a show! The crowd was amazing, the bands on the tour were great, including August Burns Red and ADTR themselves, the whole show was epic!

I hate to say this, but it was better than Mayday Parade's concert :'/ It really was. I mean, Jeremy literally got into this giant ball and started running ON the crowd. Motherfuck. Insane shit right there! I had so much fun and I can't wait for the next few upcoming concerts :)))))

GOD BLESS LONDON.

Letters To You

2011-11-13T15:52:00.002+08:00

The love of my life,

No words can begin to describe how I feel about myself; Upset, mad, angry, guilty, devastated. I don't know. And I am certain whatever it is that I'm feeling inside, you're feeling it 10 times more. I don't know how we got here, I definitely don't know why. Was it because I was taking you for granted? Or simply because I wasn't playing my part right.

It hurts me when I look at you through this screen, and I ask myself why you're not the person I fell in love with. Why?

Did you change?

Did I change?

Why did we change?

You know what, I think the only reason why you're always treating me like shit is because your feelings for me are almost all gone.

This seems to be the biggest battle I've ever had to endure. It's a battle between me and my mind. Everytime I tell myself it will all go away, my mind brings me back to where I started. I hate feeling like this. Because I know for a fact, you're exactly the same person.

So what if I've asked you that for 5 times already? Why do you have to get angry? Couldn't you spare me a smile and just give me the same answer you gave for the past 5 times. I would do that for you. I would still answer you with the same tone, and the same answer. Even if you've asked me for a hundred times.

Forgive me for the words I've left unspoken, for the questions I've left unanswered, for the love I've left abandoned.

Where am I right now in your mind? Am I even there anymore?

This is not me. Believe me when I say this because it hurts me to see myself hurting you.

Still loving you,

Always, all ways.

Forever my lover

2011-11-10T20:40:00.004+08:00

Things haven't been as easy going as I was expecting them to be. So much has happened, I don't even know how to put them into words. Everything is spinning round so fast, I could hardly catch a hold of my own breath.

Eddy has always been there, through it all. Through thick and thin, through highs and lows. He's the only person who was there when I needed him most. He was always by me. Always. I cannot begin to imagine how lonely and confused I would be without Eddy.

Keep it strong for me, Boo. 6557 is only a line of numbers that dont have to matter. I know you and I are both a lot stronger, than what distance can ever do to us. Ill be home soon before you know it. And when I come home, we'll have the best times of our lives.

The only person who doesn't make 'Princess' sound cheesy.

TinueTinut

2011-11-05T18:41:00.003+08:00

I was a complete naive asshole back then. Telling you things that doesn't matter and unintentionally break you into small small pieces. But i have grown with you, for you, Forgive me. I may be an asshole, but nobody loves you as much as i do. Nobody would crave for your man-like laughter or your smile in the middle of the night. Anything that'll make you smile, i'll do my best to fulfill that. I won't leave, I don't want you to leave. Leave, your past heartaches. I'm here for you, now with you.

I love you Jan. I really do :(

Sincerely,

world's worst boyfriend

Hoping everything is not lost

2011-11-04T15:15:00.002+08:00

I am me. A person with the weakest heart.

If my heart is too fragile to handle, leave.

If you want to be treated like a King, leave.

If my words feel like knives, leave.

If you question my pain, leave.

You never see us through my eyes. Never in my shoes.

I stood by you since day 1.

I stood by you even when I was the least important person.

I stood by you when you were on the phone with the girl of your dreams.

I stayed on the phone listening to you talk about her.

I stood by you when you treated me like rubbish.

I stayed.

Now all these feelings that I have been keeping, they're eating me up inside.

Im afraid I might lose anything more of my heart to spare.

And when I do,

Just forgive me. Like how I forgave you.

Legalized

2011-11-02T02:49:00.008+08:00

You know I'd do anything to see you smile kan?

Yaaaaaaaaaa, I know.

Even when you're far and I'm all the way here?

Yes lah. But it doesn't feel like my birthday today. Nothing about it feels special.

Everyday is your birthday when you're with me, Boo.

That's so cliche.

Fuck you.

I don't remember how our conversation on Skype ended that night. All I remember was resting my head on the pillow with the Macbook on my left, and Eddy on the screen, doing the same with his Mac on the right. I remember hearing John Mayer through the speakers as my vision gradually faded off moments after. Go to sleep, Boo. Its late; I heard him say. It was 7 the next morning, when I was woken up by his PING! spams on BBM.

I'm going bed to bed. Wake me up at 8 ok?

Ok, but go see my facebook wall for a while

Why? I'm sleepy

Kejap je :(

And there it was, the little piece of home he brought to me. My heart sank as I tried to hold my tears back, but they came running down my cheeks as soon as I saw all these familiar faces that instantly made me feel like I was remembered for a reason.

Thank you Sayang, for going through all the hassle and putting in so much effort just to make sure my day goes on well. I love you endlessly.

Princess Jasmine, Happy Birthday Sayang ! 18 years down, lot more to go , at least u'll be spending the rest of the years with me like or not bitch :P I know your birthday wasnt as good as u expected but what can we do about it sayang ? If only u were here then i'll gather everyone and make a surprise party for you. I hope u'll take care, study hard and eat a lot until ur tummy explode. We miss you here. I hope u enjoy the movie i made for you. So far away from you but i hope the movie would help :D sayang, i love you . i really do . its a bummer that u're so far away during your birthday . but its okay ! January next year, Asking Alexandria with me aite ?! fucking stoked dah. Its gonna be our first time out from the country !!! wohhooooooo . i love you sayang . have a nice day today. i think about u all the time. stay pretty, even though u are always :D

Sometimes it hurts instead

2011-10-31T16:06:00.000+08:00

Things were better when we had each other.

Our time is running out

2011-10-28T03:11:00.004+08:00

It's sad how somebody else knows us better than we do.

"Do you really think that you're gonna lose feelings towards him eventually? I'm pretty sure it's the distance, Jan. I've never seen you THIS serious with someone in a relationship and I bet you know that yourself. You and Eddy give me hope that not every relationship can be thrown away just like that. Trust me Jan. I know, you're tired and what not. But I'm pretty sure there are plenty of ways out there that you guys can work on, alright? Stupid thing to be listening to my bullcrap, but I hope you're doing fine sayang"

The only bullcrap that made sense. Thank you :*

Ignorance

2011-10-27T22:28:00.004+08:00

Mark my words when I say I'm getting sick of this.

Hours pass and she still counts the minutes

2011-10-27T04:16:00.003+08:00

Im on a half-term break now. My friends are all off and away to everywhere, actually; London, Bristol, Manchester, Surrey, and I just decided to stay in for the day. Pretty much the whole week in fact. Although, I would be off to London on Saturday to attend Britain's Next Top Model's event :) Wawaweewaa. Pretty darn excited about that though. Its that day when I put aside my inspired interest on Asking Alexandria's music and A Day To Remember's songs, and be girly for a while till ADTR's London concert in November! hjsgdfuyiegfylgsv!!!!!

I woke up with an understood thought that my friends were already at the train station waiting to start their lovely trips around the country, so as promised, I texted Eddy as soon as my eyes could open. Seconds after that, my phone beeped.

Skype date? He asked.

Yes please. I replied, and reached out for my Mac that was just inches away from the bed. My morning was instantly bloomed by his company on the screen, and I just did nothing but lye down and listen to him blabbing away about the most random things. We traded our daily plans and listened to songs. Watched videos, read books, went to the bathroom and back, went through our college notes and before I could even realise, our skype date was almost hitting the 4th hour. My laptop was heating up as if it was about to blow and cause a supernova.

My already not-so-lonely-after-all-perfect-day went on after 2pm when I told Eddy I loved him, and headed out to town. I met up with my other friends and we decided to have lunch at this pretty awesome seafood restaurant. And then I ran some errands and bought a few stuff I needed and headed straight home. Cleaned up, ended up in bed with a power nap, woke up, read a book, and rolled around on my bed. Now here I am, finding something to do. HAHA.

Louisa is back from London, since an hour ago so we're off to the gym in the morning tomorrow! Yay! Sounds like a productive day already, and we're planning to grab brunch together right after. I really needed this break, to bring my mind a notch lower from all these stress that keeps piling up. I am in need of a spa session! Or a movie at the cinema!

I should probably start a little on my Accounts and then call up Eddy for my skype dose before bed. You know, a long distance relationship is what everyones needs if you can handle it well. I don't know how lonely I'd be feeling without Eddy's voice around and his often-paranoid questions. My days feel so complete with his concern and care. Think about it.

Wake up with the fondest memories

2011-10-22T19:19:00.002+08:00

I fell asleep on skype with Eddy, and John Mayer singing Gravity last night. Cheesy, but true! :) I literally had theee deepest sleep ever. I guess for once, it felt like I wasn't alone.

Well here I am, on a Saturday afternoon actually in the mood to blog. Its probably because my account's balance sheet turned out well *gimme sam!* Im going off to the gym in half an hour and I love that the gym here is so close, its right at the train station which is hardly 10 minutes walk away :)

The days are getting colder. I woke up to a 3degrees-morning two days ago and I've been curling into a ball on my bed for the past one week. But I love the weather, though it gets superbly windy at times, I love it :) I wish I had Eddy here, and my best friends. Its crazy picturing how much fun I would be having with my favourite people with me. We'd spend wasted nights on the pebble beach, spoil our lungs with countless visits to my favourite shisha place here, window shop with my girls every weekend and play football with the boys, have lunch at our favourite restaurants, randomly taking the train to random places, or simply stay in with a box of pizza and a bag of popcorn watching tons of movies.

Its so crazy. I miss my friends so much. I miss how close they felt when I was back home. Everyone feels so distant ever since I flew off. People always make theses silly promises when they're being impulsive. But truth is, everyone forgets everybody. I just seemed to be blessed with a good sense of mind, I don't forget people. I never forget them and I doubt I ever will.

We all get stuck in funny ways sometimes

2011-10-19T22:39:00.003+08:00

Dont forget to send me a picture of what you're wearing today.

Nice jeans! The one with the floral.

Mana ada floral -.-

Ada lah. Its on the back pocket!

Oh yeah, exactly! How did you know?

Those were the first jeans you wore with me. It was the first time I stared at your ass. It was so romantic :')

Without the bitter, the sweet isn't as sweet

2011-10-17T01:21:00.004+08:00

I miss you.

But everytime we talk, I get so angry. At everything. At you, at us, at myself. At your past, at mine. At the things you say, at the things I misheard.

What happened to all those times when I could find comfort in your voice? Sometimes I just get so tired trying to think of what to say when you're quiet on the other side of this stupid screen.

Its so fake, this screen. So fake. I hate it. I hate this fucking screen.

I need to feel you and I know we'll be ok.

I get sick of everything you say, its as if I've heard them a million times and I get this urge to shut you off and find something else to do. But when my screen goes blank, and your voice quiets down, my heart breaks. Its playing tricks on me. I know it wants you there, but sometimes it refuses to take you in. Like how it used to.

Maybe its the distance. I hope its just the distance because I won't be able to accept the fact that we're fading away. I know you're still there, just tell me to stay. I cant seem to be able to listen to my own voice.

"Do you really want to treat me like this in the future?"

Hold me like a lover

2011-10-11T02:37:00.008+08:00

And we'll find a way to run away tonight

You know, when you get really serious with someone,

everything else seem so ridiculous and unreal.

It feels like you're completely invincible.

DAMN STRAIGHT INVINCIBLE.

When I look at myself and the relationships I used to be in, it somewhat amuses me a little because what I have right now is unimaginable. And its all mine. Every bit of it. I really can't say, if he's the one for sure. But I am not afraid to admit I do feel that way. I don't hesitate to admit.

"You think you gon marry Eddy?"

"You think Eddy's gonna be your last?"

"You really feel Eddy's the one you're settling down with?"

Ya, I do. Ask me again, the answer would remain.

Yes, I want to be married to Eddy. Yes, I want to be Eddy's wife. Yes, I want to see the world with Eddy and buy a house with Eddy. Yes, I want to wake up to Eddy and eat breakfast in bed with Eddy. Yes. Whatever comes my way.

This isn't something I just decided in my sleep or in the showers. It originated from this bits and mixtures of affection and curiosity, from the inside of my chest. And it grew. It just kept growing and growing and now it has taken over me.

My egoistic, hypocritical self has now been destroyed by that tiny gush of feeling.

If something unexpectedly comes in between us, along the way, I know that someday I'd open up my old and dusty blogspot account and look thoroughly for this piece of post. And read through it over and over again to remind myself how stupid I am if I were to let us go. Here I am, finally admitting to myself how insanely in love I am with this boy, guy, whatever he is.

When it's over, tell me when to let go. I'll be the last one to know.

How 2 ugly hearts intertwine

2011-10-05T03:37:00.005+08:00

We never know what we have until its gone.

They are wrong.

Tell them they're wrong.

I know exactly what I have.

The waves to my calm ocean,

The sparks to my burning fire,

The gush to my wind,

The pumps in my heart.

I know Im not the sweetest, and Im definitely not the nicest. I call you names and bitch about you to your face. I hit you all the time, I pinch you, I kick you, I call you stupid just because. I yell at you when I get angry, I hang up the phone whenever I feel like it. I wipe my sweat on your tees. I steal your food off your plate. I tell you your hair is the ugliest thing. I say your butt is big and smack your tummy everytime I see you.

But I turn to you when I'm sad. I turn to you when I'm happy. I love the way my hand grabs on to your pointer finger when we walk. I love hugging you because you're so tall and Im so small and it feels like I'm instantly, insanely, protected from the cruel world. I am in love with the way your skin smells. I love the way you call me Sayang. I love the way your voice alarms my mornings and lullabies my midnights. I rest my head on your chest, I hold your hands when I drive, I listen to your stories and you listen to mine.

"How can someone so small like you, make me feel so vulnerable."

I might be a bitch. But I am crazy over you Eddy. I actually see my future with you. We talk about it and everything sounds so real, it scares me. In a good way, it scares me. Because I see you as somebody I am going to spend my whole life with. Someone I'll be engaged to, and then married to, and then someone I'll be building a home with. Its scary because you're the only person I see by me, through this all. Its scary. Its scary because I am completely terrified of losing you. I've let my guard down for you and it's scary. Its so scary.

One step at a time

2011-10-04T17:25:00.004+08:00

So this post obviously goes to my babies sitting their little asses off for PMR :) Study well, stay calm and throw all the shit you've had kept in your heads onto the exam papers. Being 16 next year is going to be whole new thing for you so make sure you end your year well :) Dont get too stressed out, its only another examination :) Love you little tarts! :*

Pebbles under my toes

2011-10-03T20:46:00.003+08:00

SO HI! Here I am, on my two-hour break (which I spent shopping for a pair of pyjamas last week) finally updating :) I don't know where to start, really. But for starters, Brighton has been pretty amazing. My college is located right behind the train station (that's a plus point for trips to London) and about a few minutes walk to the Pebble beach!

It gets really windy sometimes but yesterday was super sunny and everyone was literally walking half naked around town. That's new I guess. People don't do that back home. Heh. My timetable is quite flexible, expect on Mondays when I finish at 5pm. Other than that, its alright. I go for Yoga every Monday evening, and I go for a jog whenever I can. But the upside of it all is that I have football training every Saturday afternoon! Now how amazingly sick is thaaaat. This is why I love the UK. Sex don't matter when it comes to football.

My lecturers here are awesome. Its as if they teach you and its so easy to understand, you become a genius instantly! (Y) Especially my Economics lecturer, Mr Bowen. Although he always seems like he's on crack. But oh well, he's brilliant. The people here are pretty friendly as well. I've found a few Malaysian friends and a few Singaporean and a few Nigerian and a few Russians and a few from Qatar, and it goes on. You get the colourful picture :) There's this Mexican guy whom I am pretty fond of too :)

Me and Eddy broke up. I knew it was coming, I just didn't realize we were going to end it as soon. I guess the pressure was a little too overwhelming with the distance, and we were both getting tired of it. Its a pity though, seeing how distance was the barrier.

JUUUUUUUSTTTTT KIDDIIIIIIIIIIIIING! Of course we're still together, nutheads! haha. Together and stronger than ever :) We have our skype dates everyday, twice a day and it's always such a huge relief to wake up to his company on the screen, and end my day when his voice tells me to. He's been using his blackberry too so that's been a huge help. Atleast we get to talk for free anytime and everytime :3

Eeeee I miss him. I miss everyone back home. I miss my Mom, my Daddy, my brothers and my little monkey. I miss Eddy :( I miss Siuvon :( I miss my friends. I miss everyoneeeeeeeeeeee. But I'm ok and I'll be ok. Its aaaaaaaaallll goood bro :)

A man with a soul

2011-09-20T17:23:00.003+08:00

My phone vigorously vibrates on the study table. I got absolutely frustrated when I nearly fell off my bed while attempting to reach out for my phone, at the same time hoping it wasn't my alarm.

My room was still dark, so was the sky outside. Then it all made sense when I realised I just missed a call from Eddy at 5.25am in Brighton.

I didn't bother to call him back, yet. So I laid back down onto my pillow and checked my BBM notifications. I had a few from Eddy and one from my uncle, Pe. My vision was still very terribly blur figuring it was still too early in the morning. I opened that ONE notification from Pe and it read;

Jan. Tok Walid passed away.

I stared long into my phone screen, my fingers slightly shivering, and my mind went away somewhere far. I struggled to bring my mind back, still trying to put the pieces together. Eddy's calls were still spamming my phone line while I finally decided to reply to Pe's BBM.

What are you talking about?

My BBM was left unreplied for a few minutes until I decided to type in something more appropriate; 'Where are you? What happened?'

We're otw back to Terengganu. At the airport already. I told Eddy too and everyone is here. Don't break down now

All those words didn't make sense at all. Not one bit. And I moved my shaky fingers around my cheeks to feel if I have teared at all.

Dry.

Nothing.

I wasn't crying.

In that hour, I was still struggling to comprehend what other people are trying to attest. I don't understand. I have no idea what was going on.

What happened? I don't understand. There's too much to take in. When? What time?

This morning. He got into an accident. I was in class when Aunty Dah called. Your dad told me not to tell you yet but I can't help it. I thought you have to know, Pe replied within an instance.

Out of that slightly long sentence, the only word that caught my attention was ACCIDENT. How brutal the accident would have been if it was able to take his life away.

I kept looking up into the ceiling. Still completely confused and terrified at the same time. Hardly an hour later I got up to perform my prayers and made myself my usual cup of nescafe, and had Eddy on the other line to accompany me.

I heard what happened. Are you okay? ; my favourite voice asked.

I'll always be on the other line if you need to talk. Ill come up with some bullshit to tell my boss, and I'll drive straight home for you, so we could Skype. Ok Boo? ; He continued.

Im fine, I replied. Im ok.

Atleast I thought I was. Maybe because it hasn't hit me. Or maybe because I wasn't so good with handling deaths, seeing how he would be the very first person I have ever lost.

Class was draggy and as soon as I went back up to my dorm room, my heart felt extremely hollow. I turned on my Macbook and notifications about him came rushing in. I even got a message form Eddy's mom that soothe my heart a little. Mama called me soon after to ask how I was doing and made the whole story a lot more realistic. I realised I started having troubles with my breathing, and I tried to take in deep breaths, as soon as I hang up the phone.

I failed miserably. Tears were gushing out of my eyeballs like waterfalls in Nirvana. My heart was pounding so hard, my chest actually hurt. My hands were ice cold and my knees grew weaker and weaker, I just fell onto the chair.

I wasted tons of tissues just to make sure people don't notice my panda eyes when I go back out to class. I don't know how else to play with my words because it breaks my heart that I'm so far away from home, I can't even be by his grave.

Everybody lost somebody today. Businessmen lost their school teacher.

The community lost an elite volunteer.

The state lost a Politician.

But I lost my grandfather.

I lost the person who gave me the tightest hug before he left my sight, and told me to behave.

"I've got many things to say to you so listen well. (he literally said them in a numbered order)

1. Always remember God. Allah is everywhere.

2. Study hard. Do well in your studies. Pay attention in class.

3. Don't forget who you are. You are the same person no matter where you are and who's country you are in.

You got me? ok good. Thanks for listening"

Those were the last words I heard out of that phonecall. And apparently the very last words I will ever hear from that voice again.

I am going to miss the way your shoulders go perfectly under my chin whenever you hug me tight, often only with one of your arms.

I am going to miss the way your scruffy beard tickles my cheeks.

I am going to miss the way I always laugh to your lame old jokes.

I miss you already, Tok Walid. And I am going to be missing you for a very long time.

Al-Fatihah

Day 2 without you

2011-09-11T03:25:00.003+08:00

I had my first sleepless night. And I'm not going to say I don't know why. Because I do know why. The only way for me to fall asleep is when your voice tells me to. We would talk and talk and talk until my eyelids become heavy and my voice starts to soften, and you would start to complain about how I was starting to mumble. You would then finally tell me to sleep and that seemed to be the only way I would.

This time difference is killing me. I saw your face on the screen of my Macbook and only God knows how much my hands were begging to reach out to you. I tossed and turned on the bed, that felt as uncomfortable as sleeping on stones. I kept picking my phone off the floor to dial your number, even when I knew you were asleep. I felt so empty without your voice on the other line. Without that soothing sound telling me to fall into the deepest sleep.

I walked along the streets of London today, and though I had a lot of fun looking at how beautiful my favourite city looked and how amazing the Topshop here is, everything still somehow force my mind to fall back to you. My heart sinks everytime I hear my phone beep, I breathe out relief everytime I receive an update from you. I thank god even more whenever you send me a voice note.

I went back to the hotel and did nothing but lye down on the bed, face down, with the phone by my ear, and your voice notes on repeat. Pretending as if you really were on the other line.

'Im all tucked in. its 3am now. Tell me about your day. I miss you so much, you know. I love you'

It felt harder and harder to hold my breath as that voice note got to the end.

'I miss you so much, you know. I love you'

Those were the words I've been putting on repeat for countless of times. I know all that's happening is for the better. I know its for a brighter future but I miss you. The days feel like years without you.

A Lonely September

2011-09-10T03:42:00.003+08:00

The night before my flight, went by quicker than a gush of wind. The digital numbers on my phone clock kept changing, making it feel as if hours were seconds. Last minute packing didn't make me feel better at all. That made time flew by even faster. I was restless. I was walking back and forth from my bed, to the luggages, to outside my room, to the store.

2 hours of sleep only felt like 5 minutes and before I know it, Ma knocked on my door to tell me Eddy already arrived. I got ready and went down only to find out everyone else have left for the airport.

"Ma said you're going with me. We gotta leave before 10 past 7"

I heard nothing, but gazed at the way his mouth were silently moving about as if he was indirectly complaining about my punctuality. I squealed when I saw his haircut. He couldn't have looked any more good looking. That tall, smartly-dressed, hair to the side, glasses on, wearing a slightly unconfident smile. Just what I need before leaving home.

The ride to the airport was another pass-me-by moment. I didn't realize shit. Before you know it, I was in the airport building hugging my friends who came by to send me off. I saw all the familiar faces I was expecting to see and my heart was filled with warmth and contentment.

'Nah! I got you macaroons :)'

'Hi babe! Here's something for you. Read it on the plane!'

'You haven't watched that video right? Good. ON THE PLANE!'

I was pretty surprised Lily tagged along too. Couldn't have made my day any better.

We all decided to grab a bite at KFC. I had all my favourite people walking by me. I could hear their laughters and felt their presence so physically close to me. And in that crowd, Siuvon came next to me and grabbed my arm, and so we started our crap talking. I was laughing, my mouth was uttering words but my mind fell back searching for Eddy. I suddenly recognise that scent and reached out my hand, satisfied with the fact that I managed to grab a hold of his finger. I held on to it, like i always do.

'It's time to go. Say your goodbyes'

My heart broke as we got closer to that small gate. That route that was about to take me far away from my comfort. I turned around and saw them in a line. All ready to spare me a nice warm hug. I walked on closer and one by one, they threw their arms around me. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was hug them back, as if I was never going to see them again. They let me cry on their shoulders and told me I was going to be ok.

One by one and then there he was, the very last person craving for that goodbye hug. I took my bag out of his hands and placed in on the floor. Tears were running down my cheeks and the way he wore that look on his face, made me cry even more. I jumped into his arms and said my last goodbye. My hands held onto the back of his neck as his shivering voice whispered;

'I love you, Boo'

I love you too, I said and off I went, down the escalator. They rushed along, fighting their way to get closer to me while waving their hands and screaming goodbye. From that chaotic scene, Eddy's voice caught my attention yet again. I am probably too used to having him around.

'BYE BOO!' He screamed. I turned around and I saw that hopeful face, begging me to walk back. His eyes were shedding tears like never before. My heart sank when I saw him standing there by that railing, with nothing else he was capable of doing except to watch me walk away.

Picture perfect memory

2011-08-28T22:34:00.002+08:00

So...... Tonight would by far be, THE BEST night in a long time. Mama finally decided to invite Eddy over for buka puasa (out of her own initiative) and it really meant a lot to both Eddy and I. Remembering how things were left pretty badly, a couple of months back. And my dad was genuinely really friendly and everyone made Eddy feel welcomed. It seriously meant something to me. It actually meant the world.

It was a really busy evening. Everyone seemed as if they had something to cook, which is not at all common around here. I baked brownies and yes, they turned out amazing. Thank you very much. I think Ma made like 3 dishes and my dad actually spent 2 hours in the kitchen, cooking his own shit. He cooked this lamb dish which surprisingly turned out pretty amazing, for a person who cannot differentiate between sugar and salt just by looking at them. Shit just got real, bitches!

The whole family, along with Eddy, we sat and ate and talked and laughed and it brought such warmth to my heart. Eddy was really good with the little cousins and my little sister of course. As cliched as this may sound, that actually touched this part of my heart and it made me realise how thankful I am, to end up with this retarded asshole.

He hung around after dinner, watched football, and a few random channels on the tv until everyone else decided to leave. So he left with them as well. My heart felt hollow, as if I ran out of emotions, when he walked towards my parents to thank them for the night. A million and one thoughts roamed around in my mind.

Every step he took tugged my heart, as he got closer to them. But the night couldn't have ended any better when I saw him reaching for Ma's hand and shook it with his head slightly down just to thank her for the night. He did the same with my dad and left the night well.

"That was a huge relief. Its good to know your dad is alright with me. He was really friendly, Boo!"

So here's to a wonderful night, and to many more wonderful nights to come.

I love you Eddy.

I begged for the release

2011-08-26T22:55:00.003+08:00

Apparently Raya is going to be a little different this year. We're not going back to Terengganu for some reason and will only stop by for Klang in the afternoon. Spending raya morning at home already sounds odd. But there's a plus! Ma told me to invite my chinese boys over since everyone else is going back to their hometowns. And she said she'll be cooking too so I guess that's something to look forward to! I texted the boys and their replies never fail to make my day :)

"OMG. Hug your mama for me, please? This chinese boy feels so loved :')"

"I'll be there for sure, me love!"

"I'm coming! Wait. When is first day of raya again?"

And of course, I never forget Adam :) He'll be joining too. Sucks that Eddy won't be around though but atleast he wont be away too long.

So anyway, I spent the day with my girls from college today. They sure know how to make my day. We spent hours at Paparich just blabbing away, laughing our guts out and ended up wasting more hours at RedBox. I'm really thankful to have them around. Really am.

I was supposed to see Juju a few days ago, but she called out. Again. I guess theres people more important around, now that we're so far apart. I can't say I didn't try. Infact I have been trying since school ended. I would go all the way to.. Nevermind. There's really no point ranting it all out. I can't blame her though, I guess there are things far more important to pay attention to now.

I thanked god for Eddy, that day. Like literally thanked god. He knew I was really upset so he brought me out for a lame ass movie and bought me my Taiwan Chicken which I've been craving since 1979. He just made my whole day so much better. I love the fact that he knows when to step in. I love the fact that he knows when I need him the most.

Blow the candles out, I'm beginning to see the light

2011-08-25T00:08:00.005+08:00

We all believe that life is never fair. And nothing seems to fall into place. Yeah, well maybe that's just reality. That does not give you a reason to fret about the pettiest little things when there's so many more to be thankful for. Life really is beautiful, if you take a second to embrace its wonders. Beauty can be described in a million different ways. The definition of beauty differs.

You know what I think is beautiful?

I think sleeping in with the rain is beautiful.

When the sky is really dark, I think that's when it's most beautiful.

I think my favourite pair of pajama shorts is beautiful.

I think making my mom smile is beautiful.

When my boyfriend cooks for me, that's beautiful.

When he lets me lye down on his lap and runs his fingers through my hair, that's beautiful.

I think football is beautiful.

I think solving a math question is beautiful.

I think driving without traffic is beautiful.

I think hardcore music is artistically very beautiful.

I think paintings are pretty, artists are beautiful.

A plate of perfect Carbonara is beautiful.

I think craving for somebody's presence is beautiful.

I think saying sorry is beautiful.

I think my G2Pilot ink pen is beautiful.

I think kids' hand writings are beautiful.

I think home made food is beautiful.

I think being on stage is beautiful.

I think writing a letter is beautiful. What more receiving one.

Drinking 2 litres of water a day is beautiful. Eventhough my boyfriend calls me an elephant.

I think traveling is beautiful.

I think pineapple tarts are beautiful.

I think the first sip of my morning coffee is beautiful.

I think laughters are beautiful.

I always thought signatures are beautiful.

Pistachio ice cream is shit beautiful.

I think getting out of the showers is beautiful.

I think sweating is beautiful.

I think crying is beautiful.

I think hugs are amazingly beautiful.

When you enjoy somebody's company, that's beautiful.

When things turn out as planned, beautiful.

I think having inside jokes is beautiful.

I think secrets are beautiful.

Wolves are beautiful.

Meeting a nice stranger is beautiful.

Playing the guitar is beautiful.

Jealousy is beautiful.

Watching homemade popcorn pop in the microwave is beautiful.

Grocery shopping is beautiful.

I think being corny is beautiful.

Maybe if you stop whining about everything else, you'd see how beautiful your life really is.

Leo Hero

2011-08-20T23:24:00.003+08:00

I just got home from a good night out with Eddy. I've been craving for pasta and some good ass western food ever since the month started, and he treated us to dinner at Meatworks. Our favourite place in the whole wide world, where they serve THE BEST linguine carbonara ever!

So obviously we ate like obese fucks, and we obviously talked for hours till we decided to head home. The night became quiet and dark as the car got closer to my stop.

"Don't cheat on me."

"That's impossible."

There was this sudden rush of blood flooding my veins, and my heart was pumping 3 times faster than before. The cold night chilled his hands as I held on to them, tight. With each finger between each other's. His scent flew around in my air, and I breathed them in with huge contentment. I love how the smell of his cigarettes lingered around.

"Would you want to die with me? Or without me?"

The radio was quite. Silent. All I could hear was our not-s0-steady breathing. It scares me how every second spared for him, feels like it could be the last. It scares me how the days are ending one by one and it still feels like I miss him everyday.

"I'd die without you. Before you. So I wouldn't have to live a day without you"

I don't know what will happen. I heard distance is brutal. They say distance is painful, and that its hard. Distance kill people. But what is pain, when I do it for him? And for us. What is pain, compared to these amazing months that have past us, and the many more to come. What is pain?

I want to end up with you because you are the only person who takes amazing care of me. You make me laugh, you make feel better all the time, you are always right behind me whenever I turn for your comfort.

I love the way we eat like pigs, and the way we slide our feet around in the mall. I love the way you lift me up from the escalator, and the way we race home in our own cars. I love the way your tees overcrowd my wardrobe, and the way our snickers match. I love the way you amuse me with your stupid little jokes, and the way your arms go perfectly around me. I love the way we watch a gazillion movies together, and the way you love to cook. I love the way we wash each other's hair, and the way we play sports together. I love the way we have breakfast every Sunday morning, and the way the workers at our favourite restaurants recognize us.

I love you just because... From the moment we saw the fireworks to this moment on, and every moment in between.

Happy birthday, mother fucker. I love you sayang.

This is how we love

2011-08-18T14:44:00.006+08:00

Well, that was one unnecessary emotional post wasn't it? HAHA. Things are still going strong and I've got a really big feeling in my gut that it's going to stay that way. Eddy makes me realise things I find hard to understand, sometimes. Or maybe he simply picks me up and puts me back on the right track, where he is.

The days are flying by like shooting stars. No wonder Hayley Williams made a song out of that metaphor. Because shooting stars only give you split seconds to embrace and to think of a wish. That's how my days feel lately. As if the hours are rushing past me, I'm actually struggling with this whole time-juggling. Im running out of time. Really.

But I know at the end of the day, I'd get to hear his voice. And though he pisses me off like a pregnant lady and annoy me 23 hours a day, its still his voice I crave to hear everyday. It's still his presence that I long for.

"You can't expect things to be magical all the time. I will get boring, but you have to understand I'll try my best to make you happy all the time"

To be honest, I've never painted pictures of my future in my previous relationships. But now, I do, and I see him in my pictures all the time. Maybe its me, maybe I've changed a little but maybe it's just him. Being the person I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.

Caught in a landslide

2011-08-16T12:40:00.006+08:00

Maybe it's just me but it hits me a little,

Thinking how we used to love to cuddle

Yeah, we still spend days to their end,

But now we just don't hold hands

Maybe it's just me pulling myself together,

Telling my heart things will get better

Yeah, we still sit and share

But now you don't play with my hair

Maybe it's just me trying to remember,

If you ever said we were gonna last forever

Yeah, we still talk on the phone,

But my voice no longer bring chills to your bone

Maybe it's just me trying to sort my thoughts,

While recalling if we have ever fought

Yeah, we still walk around together,

Just without your hand on my shoulder

Maybe it's just me or is it my mind,

Playing tricks one me that aren't very kind

Yeah, we still do things together,

But there are things we do now, without each other

Maybe it's just me fading away,

Far away from our yesterday

Yeah, you still pick me up,

But say goodbye without a hug

Maybe it's just me feeling insecure,

About things my heart cannot endure

Yeah, we do have lots of memories

But why do I feel they were never mine to start with?

Here we go again

2011-08-16T12:23:00.003+08:00

''Are you ready to run? I've been waiting patiently for this. Are you ready to die? Cause lately it seems I'm going insane !''

The rainbow to my jet black sky

2011-08-15T06:08:00.002+08:00

I haven't been the world's best girlfriend lately. And I do realise that. In fact, I might actually have been one of the worst. I wasn't myself, when I treated him like shit, or keeping a straight face and a deafening silence on the other line. I don't know who I was, really.

Its been going on for days and I know he was getting really tired of it but somehow he made it seem as if it wasn't bothering him at all. I know he was hurt, probably a little mad. Remembering how I keep shutting the phone down, without acknowledging his goodbyes. Looking back at how I kept conversing this endless repeats of pointless (slightly hurtful) words.

I got completely annoyed with his voice yesterday, that was when irony bit me on my ass, seeing I was the one who called. So I decided to cut the line and told him I would call him when I felt better. He didn't say anything to make me change my mind, but agreed to give me my unneeded space. I sent him a text to apologize, but the amount of time he took to reply, got guilt eating my heart out.

"Im not mad at you la. I was playing the iPad"

A huge amount of relief breathed out my mouth. I knew with me, he has this level of patience which sums up to an infinity.

The day went on with me bitching away about everything, and him agreeing silently. And again, I decided to get off the phone to sleep everything off. He told me he loved me, I said I do too, and threw my phone down my bed. The night was fine until I was woken up to the LOUDEST thunder ever, and lightnings fighting their way through the sky. My eyes were closed but I could see the brightest of lights, shinning from the corner of my shut eyes. I was terrified.

In that moment, the only person who came to my mind was Eddy. And he was there, even at 3am to hear me complain about aliens attacking my sky. He was the only person who could make me feel a whole lot better when he told me to go back to bed. And I did. He texted again, hardly 3 minutes later to ask if I was okay.

"Memang ada aliens, tengah lawan cowboys. But Im here, Boo. Calm down and go back to bed. I love you"

I shut my eyes, and went back to sleep. Thinking how thankful I should be to have my baby around.

Have faith in me

2011-08-11T23:02:00.006+08:00

You know when you get involved in a pretty stable relationship, you start to paint this whole picture of your future together? Possible, impossible; that's a different story. Its the fact that you actually do think that far. Now doesn't that mean we want it enough to work on it? Doesn't that portray what we'll be blessed with in the future? Doesn't that prove how the end of the road for us, don't exist? Doesn't it?

Well if I do end up with the love of my life, our kids would be the most amazing ones on earth. Our 4-yearold son would be walking around with his hair slightly touching his shoulders, or probably long enough to be tied up, some gangsta ass sleeveless tee with a pair of skinnies and indie boots. And our little girl would be clinging to daddy's hand with her hair a lot shorter than her brother's, a tie-dye top with a pair of really old chucks. Adorable, wouldn't they be?

Our days would be spent together, our nights would be wasted together, our hours would feel like seconds, together. There would be nights where I would be sleeping in the studio where he works, and days where we would just go out and look for good places to eat and talk, like time didn't exist.

At times where I fall sick and refuse to go to the doctors, he'll just lye down next to me and tell me the silliest stories. I would burry my face in his chest and sniffing his tee, probably too weak to entertain him, but that's all I really want. And on days where he comes home with a heartbreaking frown, I'll wait for him with a bag of Sour Cream chips and a can of Diet Coke. And I'll sit by him, and I'll listen to him blab about his day, and I'll eventually get tired of trying to console him, and I'll probably end up just falling asleep on his lap, with his hands brushing my eyebrows.

On our sleepless nights, we'll go down to the kitchen just to realize there's nothing good to munch on. We'll then decide to drive out to the nearest 24hours coffee shop, still clueless on what to order and end up going home anyway, remembering that bucket of leftover popcorns in the cupboard. We'll then settle for a boring ass movie on the Macbook and end up sleeping till 2 in the afternoon.

He'll be making me brunch the next day then, obviously :)

I can't put my emotions into words, because this is exactly how our future would be together. And this is exactly what I want to end up with. This random, risky, filled with chemistry shit. This is exactly it.

As we go on, we'll remember

2011-08-11T22:53:00.002+08:00

Man, I can't begin to describe how much fun I have in college with these bitches around. I love them to bits and its going to be devastating to know distance is soon taking over. I know people always say they'll keep in touch, but I also know that one day, someone just stops trying.

I just hope that day will never come.

Where there's comfort in, everything

2011-08-10T05:59:00.003+08:00

There's hardly a month left. And the days that are crawling up to me, they're eating my time away, like ants feeding on a dead body. People are starting to throw questions at me.

"You gonna be ok Jan?"

"You ready Jan?"

"Jan! You excited?"

"When you leaving Jan?"

"What about Eddy?"

Yeah, what about Eddy right..

Well as long as we both hold on to our end of the rope, it'll work out pretty fine. The rule is pretty simple, just don't fuck it up. Eddy says distance is nothing if you don't stop fighting and playing your part. And there's no such thing as 'you'll never know whats gonna happen' because everything that you make happen, is by choice.

It's true that you never know if a guy might appear in my life when I'm away. But its still my choice to either make him stay or walk away. Well again, it is my life. And all decisions made are based on my own doings. Ill pray for the best.

"It feels like my time with you is running out. Like a plane that's about to take off"

Hey darling, I hope you're good tonight

2011-08-05T23:07:00.002+08:00

I just got back from Paparich with my Hadi bun :B We decided we were going to have 'supper' every friday night since its Ramadhan and we won't get to have our Sunday morning breakfasts. We went to the mosque for terawih, before. I feel so holy 0:)

So, anyway.. Time flew by within seconds, like always. Everytime I'm around him my world spins so so so much faster. But it was really good being able to spend time with my monkey and listen to him talk about his music, as usual :)

Im becoming very restless lately. Like I am seriously running out of time. It feels like I've only got seconds to spare. I am not sad, just a little afraid. Im afraid Im not ready to leave home. But I know that day is crawling up to me, closer. Day by day. So, I just gotta suck it up and face it.

Every lyric of every sad song somehow finds its way to the back of my head. And I was actually listening to 'A Day To Remember' with all the screaming and the breakdowns, something somehow still gets to me. Automatically, my brain interprets every word. And every word makes me realise how much harder it will be to leave.

BUT again, I will be fine. Eddy will be fine. Mama will my fine. Siuvon will be fine. We'll all be fine :)

If all else fails

2011-08-03T06:43:00.004+08:00

#Scorpio goes to extremes, they will over indulge then they will restrict themselves excessively.

I seriously can't deny the fact that I really am that way. I won't say it is a good thing. In fact, I don't think it is good at all. I realised that about me quite some time ago. Guess I just found out I'm not the only one.

Sinless morning

2011-08-01T06:29:00.003+08:00

Its the first day of Ramadhan today. Ma woke me up and I went to the bathroom and then downstairs with my eyes hardly open. By the time I actually realise I was eating, my cereal bowl was already almost empty. Hah.

I helped with the cleaning for a bit and went straight up into my room. Decided to call Eddy, who by that time was already tucked in and going back to bed right after his meal. Such a fat boii. I made him wait a while more so he wouldn't miss his prayers and I just led down for a bit, with Eddy's voice babbling away on the other line. Just exactly what I need.

Even with him on the other line, and my voice actually having a conversation with his, my mind was actually wandering off somewhere far. And I thought of my early mornings when I'm far away and wanting to hear Eddy's voice wouldn't be as easy as just picking up my phone and dialing away.

But I'll be fine because as many guys as there actually are for me out there, Eddy is the only one I see myself spending my life with.

"I might literally be growing old with everyone else, but I'll always be forever young with you"

Cross-outs

2011-07-31T17:08:00.005+08:00

cross out what you’ve done.
Graduated high school.
Kissed someone.(apart from family)
Gotten so drunk you passed out.
Ridden every ride at an amusement park.
Collected something really stupid.
Gone fishing.
Watched four movies in one night.
Gone long periods of time with out sleep.
Lied to someone.
Snorted cocaine.
Failed a class.
Dealt drugs.
Been in a car accident.
Been in a tornado.
Done hard drugs.
Been to a funeral.
Burned yourself.(not on purpose)
Run a marathon.
Cried yourself to sleep.
Spent over $200 in one day.
Flown on a plane.
Cheated on someone.
Been cheated on.
Written a 10 page letter.
Gone skiing.
Been sailing.
Cut yourself.
Had a best friend.
Shoplifted something.
Been to jail.
Dangerously close to being in jail.
Had detention.
Skipped school.
Got in trouble for something you didn’t do.
Stolen books from the library.
Gone to a different country.
dropped out of school.
Been in a mental hospital.
Watched the “Harry Potter” movies.
Had an online diary.
Fired a gun.
Gambled in a casino.
Had a yard sale.
Had a lemonade stand.
Actually made money at the lemonade stand.
Been in a school play.
Taken a lie detector test.
Swam with dolphins.
Gone to sea world.
Voted for someone on a reality tv show.
Written poetry.
Read more than 20 books a year (If school books were to count, i dont read for shits)
Loved someone you shouldn’t have.
Used a coloring book over age 12.
Had surgery.
Had stitches.
Taken a taxi.
Seen the washington monument.
Had more than 5 im’s/online conversations going at once.
Overdosed.
Had a drug or alcohol problem.
Been in a fist fight.
Suffered any form of abuse.
Had a hamster.
Pet a wild animal.
Used a credit card.
Gone surfing in California.
Done “spirit day” at school.
Dyed your hair.
Gotten a tattoo. (temporary)
Had something pierced.
Gotten straight a’s.
Been on the honor roll.
Known someone with hiv or aids.
Taken pictures with a webcam.
Started a fire.
Gotten caught having/going to a party while parents were gone

My favourite boys

2011-07-29T23:07:00.000+08:00

What completely made my night.

At least I can say I stand for something

2011-07-29T18:22:00.004+08:00

I picked up my baby sister from school today, and as soon as she got into the car, she told me about this poem she had to write in English class. I heard her blab away when I asked her what she wrote. But one particular line caught my attention;

"What if tomorrow never comes, because today will never end"

I sat there, quite for a few moments, with a million and one things running through my mind. I thought to myself, what if tomorrow really doesn't come by? What if Friday would be the last of us all? Or maybe just for me? That shouldn't change how today is.

Today is a blessing. For all. Be thankful for the good things, and stay strong for the bad. I should start making the best out of my everyday. Because I don't know when I'll finally see my last. On that day, I don't know where I'll be. I don't know what I'll be doing. I have no idea who will actually be by me.

Just because I don't know if tomorrow will ever come, doesn't mean today has to end.

Roads that don't end

2011-07-28T16:29:00.002+08:00

Im not going to sit here and wait for you to ask for my permission. That is absurd.

I am not your mom.

Do what you want to, its your call.

You think it through, and make choices by yourself and for yourself.

Im done with having to deal with your ignorance.

You might feel I'm over reacting. Ok, I wont deny.

You might feel I'm not making sense. Ok, I shall agree.

You might feel I'm being dramatic. Ok, I will swallow that down.

But soon when your nights get lonely and quite, and when all you want to do is stay in and listen to my voice, I'll be gone. And far away. That night, you tell me who's being dramatic.

Forget everything just for tonight

2011-07-25T21:41:00.003+08:00

In our lives, there will always be this person we refer to as "you", whenever we write something, or everytime we express our feelings. There will always be this one particular soul we think about. But as time proceeds, new people will start coming into our lives and before you know it, new feet are filling in old shoes.

And as I was reading through my later posts, I tend to realise how the "you"s ended up being just "him"s or they even go by names. The way I describe them, eventually becomes bland. And boring. It makes them sound like no special person in my life. The privilege just dries out. And that is just pretty sad.

Its been almost 8 months, and I know its not a long time at all, but as far as I'm concerned my "you" is still referred to the same person. And I cannot find any better way to be describing the way I feel, with him.

I've only got weeks

2011-07-24T23:43:00.007+08:00

So I've reached this point where I've grown bloody sick of her name, and shit tired of having to listen to you say it day after day. If she's that great of a memory then why bother creating more with me?

Im tired trying to live up to your expectations. And I don't give one flying fuck if she was the girl of your dreams. I dont give one fuck.

I don't give a fuck about what you guys used to do, or where you used to go, or how you used to stay on the phone everynight. God, help me. Cos I don't give a fuck.

You either swallow my shit down your throat or don't bother telling me I'm over reacting.

Im sick of my mind playing games with me.

Its damn irritating when you tell me a stranger that walks past us, looks like her.

Im tired of trying to forget that night when you were with me, and we bumped into her, and you went home, wrote a paragraph on your status with her in your thoughts.

And you tell me its nothing.

You don't get to tell me its nothing.

Because I don't pull this kind of bullshit with you.

My past stays in my past for many reasons.

One of them is because I chose you.

You don't get to tell me Im over reacting when this is what you put me through.

You fucking fill my fucking head with her fucking name, its suffocating me.

You don't get to tell me its nothing.

This is all I have, this is all I am. I am nothing more. I know I am a zero compared to anyone else in your life but dont settle for me and want me be to be somebody else.

Just give me 1 more month and you can say her name all you want. 1 month and I'm gone. So just stop taking me for granted.

Whistles and Snares

2011-07-24T21:49:00.005+08:00

Today has been a really long day. Woke up and got ready by 8.30 and left to pick up Eddy and his sister, and her boyfriend. Choo was waiting by Ed's house when i got there, and we went off to Bukit Jalil, yet again, for the hundredth time this year. But this time for the annual cheer competition. We drove with ADayToRemember blasting out the sound system all the way until we arrived at the stadium. We sat around for a bit until it finally started and I got to watch Falcons perform. They were honestly alot better than expected.

It got a little too noisy for both Eddy and I so we decided to leave for Sunway. Wasted time like lifeless fucks there and we had Krispy Kreme and settled for Kenny Rogers for lunch. Somehow it was exactly what i needed. I love wasting time with him. Few hours later we went back for his sister and stopped by at Uptown for some drinks, until we all finally decided to head home.

aaahhh malas nak tulis..dbeiwubvchrwbveirybcvdebcr0cfje k la bye!

Sleeping on Stones

2011-07-20T22:37:00.006+08:00

Have you ever felt this HUGE notion of regret, and remorse? And how it scrapes your insides bit by bit making sure you feel every bloody pain. Sucks doesn't it? Sucks to go through day after day wondering where you'd be if you hadn't done what you did.

But you know, NEVER regret anything. Don't live your life in regret, because somewhere somehow, at that one particular moment, it was exactly what you wanted.

Don't regret if you make the wrong decisions; Mistakes are the best lessons you can learn from. Don't regret if you fail your exams; There are far better days ahead of you if you buck up.

Don't regret giving away your favourite stuff because other people might appreciate it more than you ever could.

And please do not ever regret meeting someone in your life, regardless who. Good people, bad people, funny people, noisy people, bitchy people, liars, cheaters, haters, fake people, loving ones and caring ones. Whoever they are, they were the ones who painted your life as it is right now. If there were never a black paint splattered on your painting canvas, your picture wouldn't turn out as pretty as it is.

People are people. They will hurt you. But some will love you for who you are, and hurt those people back for you :) This is life.

Assurance

2011-07-18T19:25:00.004+08:00

I dont believe in time.

Time doesn't exist. Clocks do.

I don't believe the future comes as you please.

I don't believe in forever.

I don't agree how the word 'WILL' has 2 meanings. To have will is just to have hope. I doubt things WILL happen the way they're planned.

I don't believe in painting pictures of the years to come. It may seem too solid and assuring. I silently play them in my mind, and share them with you from time to time.

But at the end of it all, I still believe in you. And I believe in us.

So fuck that I dont believe in everything else. Just let me love you day by day. So nothing can go wrong.

Behind The Veil

2011-07-17T22:37:00.003+08:00

You might think having someone with you, and for you, at this age is bullshit.

You might think its impulsive, a waste of time, a waste of emotions and money or effort.

You might think having someone is worthless.

You might think its so cliche.

You might think there are way better things to worry about.

But believe me, one fine day, you'll wake up and feel this loneliness eating up your insides.

Its not bullshit if you're with someone right.

Its not impulsive, its moments being cherished.

Its not a waste of time, but times wasted together.

Its not a waste of emotions, but feelings being shared.

Its not a waste of money, but getting them things they appreciate.

Having someone with you is not worthless, its priceless.

Its not cliche, its just becoming a necessity.

There might be better things to worry about, but nothing makes you happier than finding your other half.

Believe me. Because I seriously think I have found mine.

Urbanscapes 2011

2011-07-17T19:20:00.002+08:00

I went to Urbanscapes with Eds yesterday. It was a long tiring day but worth every bit :) Its seriously, honestly really fun shopping with him. I think I just found my new shopping partner :B He's got great taste too.

He helped me choose dresses, and tops and a few vintage stuff. Got ourselves tie-dye tees and he bought me this blarddddy adorable toy. One I could sleep with everynight, and bring with me to UK :)

I think we went around the whole place at least 4 to 5 times until we finally decided to have an early dinner. It was amazing how much fun I had just hanging around with one person.

That's probably because he is MY, one person.

Harimau Malaya

2011-07-14T19:00:00.004+08:00

I went to watch Malaysia play against Arsenal yesterday and went for Arsenal's training the day before. Malaysia didn't do as good as expected though. That was a slight disappointment but it was really nice to be able to watch Arsenal train, with Eddy and my brothers and Pe :) My daddy joined for the game, the day after.

The match wasn't as exciting for me as when I watched United play, that's probably because I'm not an Arsenal fan? Heh. The boys are going for Liverpool's game this weekend but I decided to attend Urbanscapes with Eddy instead.

CANNOT

WAIT!

Day 10

2011-07-13T18:06:00.003+08:00

1 CONFESSION;

1. When I was 8, I attended this occasion where I had to dance and perform on stage along with my other friends. So we were lining up backstage and just 5 minutes away from our performance. I suddenly got nervous and had this MASSIVE urge to pee so I asked my teacher but she said there wasn't any more time for potty breaks :( So i had to hold it in. And on our way out to stage, my bladder kinda burst so I peed in my white dress and danced around in wet undies for at least 10 whole minutes. LIFE.

Day 9

2011-07-11T17:59:00.003+08:00

2 SMILEYS THAT DESCRIBE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW;

1. ;)

2. :')

Day 8

2011-07-10T14:13:00.003+08:00

3 TURN-ONS;

1. Musicians. Sexiest people on earth. If not them then, sportsmen. I like boys who are really passionate with what they do. You see, I love the whole energy they deliver whenever they're on stage, or maybe on the field. Jizzzzzz~

2. Boys who dress well. I used to have this fetish for boys with collared shirts and shorts. But somehow, a plain tee and a pair of skinnies will do. And with nice shoes :B Chucks preferably, or Vans :) AND OMG, I got this HUGE fetish for boys who can carry the bad boy look. Like side-shaved heads. Yummy. OR those really nerdy looking ones. No in betweens please :)

3. Boys who are respectful. And genuinely caring. And when they honestly talk about marriage.

Ahmagad, I get so excited typing all this out. Wuuuuuuuuuuuuu~ Am i not already turned on or what?!

Day 7

2011-07-10T13:24:00.003+08:00

4 TURN-OFFS;

1. If you speak really bad english. Im sorry, but its in my nature to converse a lot in English. The people I know speak very fluent and its a very important language, spoken all around the world. So, yeah...

2. When someone tries to hit on me, in the most ridiculous ways. Like giving me the pervert stare or when they *whistle* Like WTF is up with those annoying whistles! :( That is the most foolish way to get my attention. A charming smile and a simple 'Hi' would be enough to make me take a second glance

3. Liars. And how they still try to cover their shit up, even after I've caught them red handed. Too absurd.

4. Guys with no balls. Not literally la, but guys who might as well just grow a pussy. Ok la, let me put it in a nicer manner. Guys with no guts, or who's afraid to stand up for me.

Night of my life

2011-07-10T12:01:00.004+08:00

I just got back from Singapore a few days ago. We went just to catch Mayday Parade and Eyes Set To Kill live in Scape Warehouse, Singapore. Mostly for Mayday Parade :) They have been my MOST favourite band ever since I was 13 or 14. I've fallen in love with them, and their songs and the way they make me feel and how their lyrics always get me at the most perfect time. And I will forever be in love with them!

OH MY BLOODY HELL, it was no doubt THE BEST show ever! THE BEST! Waaaaaaaaaaaay better than Maroon 5, or All American Rejects, even Paramore. And I really enjoyed Paramore's concert. SO picture my excitement! I love how I could sing along to every word, of every song.

Eyes Set To Kill did pretty great as well! The had an absolutely amazing energy and the crowd was great too! Even the moshers were really respectful, while making sure they all have a good time. The frontman and the drummer dig-ed my ESTK tee so they signed it! And the frontman hugged me :))) Ahh, bliss!

Better yet, I caught Mayday Parade's guitarist's guitar pick! Of all people, it was MEEE!! How much luckier could I have gotten right? That was by far the best best best concert ever. Im just gonna die now..........

Day 6

2011-07-10T09:33:00.003+08:00

5 PEOPLE WHO MEAN ALOT TO ME;

1. My mom, of course. Eventhough I have to put up with her mood swings and sudden emotional ways, she is about the only person who has been there for me since I was first brought into this world. She has never stopped me from achieving what I want, always behind me and supporting me for what is best for me. She makes the violent world seem alot more serene.

2. My daddy, my brothers and my baby sister. Life wouldn't be as wonderful without them around. My dad always has this picture in his head that I will grow to make him proud everyday and he believes I am a good person. My brothers always make sure I am in safe hands, and would do about anything if they feel that I am not. My baby sister is just about the cutest and most annoying company I can ask for.

3. My Eddy. I know his name pops out quite often in my posts but those words are not bullshit. He really does mean this much to me. He takes amazing care of me, he always checks up on me, he makes me laugh everyday, he remembers when I tell him something, I know he will always be right there whenever I need him, and he's simply the best. I have become used to having him around so much, I have no idea where I would be without him.

4. Juju and Adam. The 2 most important people to me, especially back when we were in school. I can't start to put together all the things we used to do, and how much fun I used to have with them around. Now, being able to see them once in a while is all I can ask for and for the sake of the beautiful past, I am content.

5. Siuvon, Olivia, Lyanna, Syairaah and Dominic. My girls in college and with these bitches around, there hasn't been a day where I don't have a good time. They make me laugh like a hyena and always lets me open up, in the most welcoming ways. They never judge me and they always have something wonderful to say (if not all the time, at least when they're sane)

Day 5

2011-07-08T18:30:00.004+08:00

6 THINGS I WISH I NEVER SHOULD'VE DONE

1. Cut my hair :( It used to be so long and I love playing with it. But they say, cutting your hair means forgetting the old and starting new. So I shall grow my hair again along with everything that has been happening and will be happening :)

2. Took maths lightly. Maths is a bloody tough subject now that I'm in college and I'm seriously struggling :( I hate maths, I vant to dieeeeeeeeee :'(

3. Break hearts. Throughout my life in highschool, I've come to realized that I used to take people's feelings for granted and there were hearts that were selfishly broken. Im just afraid karma would take its toll on me.

4. Stop cheerleading. I loved cheer a lot back when I was in school. I would look forward to it all the time. I love the whole energy and the drive, and the team spirit. I miss cheer :(

5. Took things for granted. I guess nobody knew what happened but if they did, I think I would deserve a huge tight slap. Things would be alot comfortable and less awkward around my parents if I wasn't being so impulsive.

6. Lied. No one in particular though. Just generally speaking. I know we all lie, but someday somehow you wont be able to get off the hook as easily.

They caught me on the outside, looking in

2011-07-05T22:31:00.004+08:00

I might not be your first love.

Your first kiss.

I may not even be your type.

Not the first person you looked at.

Not the first you think of.

Not the first you miss.

But I'll be the first one who's going to stay.

Day 4

2011-07-05T21:13:00.004+08:00

7 THINGS THAT CROSS MY MIND ALOT;

1. My friends. I always crave for days when I'll be free and I'll start thinking of people I miss, to call up for a brief catch up session. That's just me. It's hard for me to forget people.

2. The future. I always look forward to what tomorrow has in store for me. Today is a blessing, but tomorrow is a mystery.

3. Food. I love food. I love trying new things but its pretty hard for me to diverge my taste once I've found something I really like. And I love the fact that my boyfriend is my eating buddy and he cooks often. I can eat like a fat motherfucker if he's around. Because he eats like a fat motherfucker too :B

4. I always tend to wonder, if I'm doing enough for my family. Its always roaming around in my mind if I divide my time and love equally to them. Lately, I've been trying hard to make sure my family realizes, how much their presence is very much appreciated in my life.

5. Studies. Homeworks, assignments, notes, everything. Bad news is, they just cross my mind but I don't do shit about it :( I am such a lazy ass. I swear :(

6. Lately, London. I can't help but count the days to the 9th of September. I really have no idea what to expect and I don't know if I'm ready to take it on. But I'm pretty excited to figure that out.

7. Eddy.

Day 3

2011-07-04T17:37:00.003+08:00

8 WAYS TO WIN MY HEART;

1. Take me as I am. Fall for me not for what you see, but for what I was afraid to show. And accept me nonetheless. Flaws and all.

2. Be caring. Directly or indirectly, it doesn't really matter. Just as long as I know you genuinely and honestly give a damn.

3. When I tell you something, stories, experiences, favourites, whatever. Listen. Don't just hear to me babble away and pretend you're listening. Listen and remember. It really gets me (in a good way) when I tell somebody something and they finish my sentence before I could. Because they listened the first time.

4. Smell good. Naturally. Not the cologne.

5. Be able to make me laugh. Anyway, anyhow. Everyday.

6. I like nice tight hugs. And holding hands. And arms around my shoulders. Not to show off to people who Im with, I just love the feeling of having my other half so close to me.

7. Have good taste in music. Learn to listen to mine, and make me fall in love with yours.

8. Someone who prays. And doesn't turn their back on God.

Day 2

2011-07-03T19:56:00.006+08:00

9 THINGS ABOUT MYSELF;

1. I am a bloody jealous freak. I seriously don't show it much, at all. I don't talk about my jealousy because I find it really uncomfortable and it might make me sound like a paranoid freak. But sometimes I do tell people close to me about how I feel.

2. I am very impulsive. I get so caught up in the moment. It's like when I discover something I like, I would be so engrossed with it until the whole excitement runs dry.

So, that is why..

3. I get bored with things very easily. When I like something, I'd use it, be with it, take it with me wherever I go up to the point where I get tired of carrying it around and sick of looking at it. And I just tend to chuck it away. This not only applies to things, also to people (which is not a good thing) Kill me.

4. I am highly addicted to peanut butter, God knows for what reason. Anywaaaaay, I am very needy. And I mean, very needy. I love company. I love the whole idea of having somebody around.

5. Sometimes I can be very selfish BUT I love buying people lunch. Or dinner, or breakfast. Supper. Whatever. I have this weird thing of enjoying the bliss, and appreciation, people get from having a free meal.

6. Deep inside, I am actually very loving. Well not really loving but I become very affectionate around people I can. Gahh, I can't find the word. So let's just say im super manja.

7. I am very emotional. I get pissed off super easily, but I calm down pretty quick too. And I cry easily. Such a sissy, I know. It's very easy for me to forgive but I never forget. Especially when I experience something impact-full.

That explains why..

8. I hold grudges. I don't go down without a fight. And I don't let people go off that easily.

9. I've got a very strong mindset. I hold on to what I believe is right, and what I know is wrong. I can tell when people lie to me but I don't force it out of them. I make them come clean. And if they don't, I just stop getting too involved with them.

Day 1

2011-07-02T23:38:00.009+08:00

10 THINGS I WANNA SAY TO 10 DIFFERENT PEOPLE;

Im doing this in no exact order. So, good luck :B

1. It always hits me when I think of how often I used to see you. How easily my days in school would light up because you're around. I used to walk into the assembly with my back pack and the first bloody thing I'd utter to you would be 'OMFG! GUESS WHAT' every single day, from how I remember it. Im thankful for all the chances I get, to spend time with you but sometimes it just doesn't feel enough. Maybe because I miss you and I just refuse to accept the fact that we're all growing up and we grow to believe in different things.

2. I don't like you. Never did. Your name hogs my comfort zone and the fact that your past is related to my life, doesn't make it any better.

3. I know I haven't been the perfect daughter. I know, everyday, there would be something I do that disappoints you. I know you dislike the fact that I'm very impulsive. You say it's so easy for me to turn my back on something and you often tell me that I've got my priorities wrong. But I can't grow to live my life the way you draw out for me. Let me take the fall and learn from my wrongs. Im trying and I know its not easy but believe me I'm trying. And you have always been my priority.

4. Ok, so what the hell is your problem? He's been my best friend since we were 7 so just.. yeah. Take a chill pill will you?

5. I know I was a bitch when we got to the end but I honestly think you deserve someone alot better. You might be one of the person with the biggest heart and I don't regret, I just don't see a clear image of where we were heading.

6. I think you're about the ONLY person who genuinely still gives a damn about me after all these years. You've been there for me since day 1. Ever since I turned 13 and how everything was changing ever so fast, in front of my own 2 eyes. You were always there to show me how to lead my life well. And always made sure I was doing ok, even from a distant. I know we grew apart as the years went on but I know deep inside you still care. And I'm thankful for you.

7. Hi. I never thought, IN A MILLION YEARS, that you would mean this much to me, as of today. It started off so randomly, by 2 playful hearts and with just empty words being tossed around back and forth. But somewhere in between I got caught. I don't know how long it took for you to realize it wasn't a game anymore but it caught me pretty quick. From then on, your scent started growing on me, your jokes became the songs of my day, your voice was a necessity and I started craving for your presence. Today, I live my days knowing I'll always have you to turn to. It becomes a routine for me to have breakfast with you and tell you about my day. It became a habit to spend hours with you and still want forever. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be with somebody who takes better care of me than of himself. I never thought I'd be blessed with someone who knows me better than I know myself, someone who reminds me of my schedule and brings me all my favourite things whenever. I love you and distance won't break us.

8. I've always had this thing for your personality. And how you dress and carry yourself so comfortable in your clothes. I know I haven't seen you like in AGES but I doubt you've changed at all. At least I hope you dont. And for the record, you remind me alot of Ellen Paige :)

9. You used to be one of the most important person in my life and now you're just.. Gone. Somewhere somehow you stopped trying to work this, to keep us all together. And now you just feel like a stranger.I miss you

10. Its a pity you became trash. I remember this point in my life where I actually thought I had deep feelings for you. I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe my reason seems to be a lot more realistic compared to yours. Please do something useful with your life.

Silhouette Dreams

2011-07-02T23:34:00.003+08:00

So I read Pei's blog tonight. I was really attracted and amazed on how it got my eye glued on my Macbook screen. I loved her posts :) And I love the fact that she writes quite often. AND, I found this! I shall start tonight off with Day 1! :)

Day 1 -Ten things you wanna say to ten different people.

Day 2 - Nine things about yourself.

Day 3 - Eight ways to win your heart.

Day 4 - Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day 5 - Six things you wish you'd never done.

Day 6 - Five people who mean a lot.

Day 7 - Four turn offs.

Day 8 - Three turn ons.

Day 9 - Two smiley that describe your life right now.

Day 10 -One confession.

Harder than you know

2011-07-02T16:13:00.004+08:00

Jia told me about this really good post and told me to read it. I did and no doubt it was really good. Good and true.

"Why i don't trust you 100%, even tho we have been together for months, it is because prevention is better than cure."

I might forever hold grudges on people, and especially so when I've been hurt real bad. I think that's because I trust people too easily. Well, at least I used to. When I was younger, my feelings were tossed around as if I was the only person who didn't have to matter. But I grew and learned. That's why I may find it a lot more difficult to trust people around me now, regardless who.

Put family aside. You say you trust your boyfriend or your best friend, your soulmate, your whoever. But to what extend? How deep inside are you willing to let them in? Would they never break you? Would they take a bullet for you? If so, how are you so sure. People are people. And sometimes you just don't become their priority. Maybe they tend to forget sometimes, but in that period of time, God knows what can happen.

I do trust my boyfriend. I trust my best friends. But nobody can promise me I won't get hurt in these many many many days ahead of me. At the end, it all comes down to your own self. Sometimes, more often than not, we tend to forget we're the barer of our own hearts. And its never a completely safe move to be putting it on someone else's sleeves. That's just suicidal.

Put it at repeat

2011-06-28T22:54:00.004+08:00

So the only reason why Im doing this is because this bitch reads my blog, so I bet she's expecting a post. HAHA, you better love me for this babi.

HAPPY turning SWEET SWEET 17, Siuvon Bowen! You know I've got tons of things to say but I don't know how to put them into words, to make sure they sound as great as how you make me feel. The only reason I look forward to college is because you're around. Im thankful for the girls, for Jelisco, and for other people around me but the day wouldn't feel alright at all without you. I still can't comprehend how easily we click and how much chemistry we have. You get along well with Eddy, you've met my brothers, my mom, you've become part of my life.

When I go, promise me you'll do your best to still have as much fun as we had. We won't lose touch. I know Im too much to lose :p

I love you hoe! You maii soulsister and thanks for always being there for me since the year started. I hope you had an amazing time with Nick at dinner tonight :)

Maybe baby

2011-06-23T14:17:00.000+08:00

I believe in me, I believe in you. And I believe we are not meaningless.

All the small things

2011-06-23T13:32:00.007+08:00

I know we're all afraid of the future. Terrified.

We tell people we're ecstatic, we paint pictures of it with bright colours and talk about it so eagerly. But we all know all those things we do, we do it to conceal the fright. The future is only a life scene we'll never be familiar with. That's why we're all scared to the bones.

No matter how well you lay out everything now, the future remains unknown. Uncertain.

No matter how many times you tell yourself something,

No matter how many words people utter to you,

No matter how many ways you decide to feel,

The future is never a good friend. You just have to suck it up go through the battle by yourself.

Are you afraid of being alone? Cause I am, I am lost without you.

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had

2011-06-20T18:12:00.002+08:00

If I go,

Oh if I go

Would I come home

To similar faces

And similar hearts?

When I leave,

Hey when I leave

Would I leave for better

Days of November?

If I fly,

Damn, when I do fly

Away from yesterday

Would you wait

Would you long for

My presence?

When Im away,

Shit, when I am finally away

Please say you'd stay

Right where you are today

Keep taking baby steps

2011-06-17T00:30:00.004+08:00

Now, i start...

Things have been alot better than where I left off, and I mean ALOT better. Everything have been falling back into place and the pieces of the puzzle tend to be creating a whole better picture. And I thank God for that. For the strength and patience He blessed me with.

I don't know where to start, maybe because I dont have anything to say. Or just maybe because I've got a little too much to share. There is however, ONE particular thing that has been roaming around in my mind for the past week.

Im flying off to London. Like, really going away. To further my studies, and I know it came out to be a year too soon but I know its for a good cause. I've broken the news to Eddy, of course. Then to Juju and Siuvon. Then Adam, and then without realizing it, the people around me are already asking me about the details. And that has made this all seem a lot more REAL. I don't really feel it yet, maybe it hasn't hit me but all Im thinking about right now is if I'll break. Knowing myself, Im as weak as a toddler and all i want to do right now is to get my mind into the right mindset.

I really wanna do good over there and hopefully come home to proud, open arms. Fingers crossed. Bismillah.

only 4 years apart

2011-06-17T00:08:00.003+08:00

Its the 16th today, so i owe Pesot a birthday post. Just like any other year :)

Here goes,

Pe might be my uncle but he definitely means more than a brother to me. Seeing how he's age gap with my dad is 20 years apart and he's only 4 years older than me :) He's always been there for me, since day 1. Always. Always there when i cry, always there when i laugh, always there when i needed company. He doesn't disappoint me yet he takes amazing care of me. He understands my problems, helps me through my bad days and is always ready to make me feel better.

Happy Birthday, Pe. I hope life blesses you with all of its wonders. I hope you would end up with somebody who realises how special of a person you are and I hope she would take good care of you. I love you with all my heart and thank you for everything you've helped me get through. Happy turning 22 :)

Would September take me away?

2011-06-08T12:20:00.008+08:00

All these stress and discontent is taking it's toll on me. My days seem to be playing a game with me, pushing my feelings around as if its not already so hard to juggle. I don't know what I feel anymore.

Is it stress?
Is it loneliness?
Or is it just my subconscious mind telling me to let go?
I don't know what it is, but it sure as hell doesnt feel good.

I've been so bipolar, and I know people around me might sooner or later get sick of it too. I remember smiling away to my friends' jokes and before you know it, I'm cursing away knowing Eddy is on the other line. I don't choose to be this way but right now everything is falling down on me, without warning. And it's hitting me hard, I'm not ready, I'm standing here so bare and naked without shield. I've been caught off guard and it's no fun at all.

I really miss when things used to be so much easier and I feel so carefree all the time. Now every tiny bit is tugging my nerves. I'm so tired to have to deal with all these different emotions at one go. I just wanna be able to feel welcomed at home, to be able to pay attention in class, I just want to see Eddy.

Nobody seems to understand how bad I'm dealing with this. All I do is put up a smile as if nothing is running through my mind. When the truth is, everyday seems to be a battle for me. I'd have to battle my way out just to drag myself through the day.

I'm just tired ok. I'm not mad, not angry, not upset, not having my mood swings, not being selfish, not being unfair.
I'm just plain tired. Sick, and tired.

It's not that I don't care, I just know that the fight ain't fair

2011-05-31T17:23:00.003+08:00

Today made me feel a lot better than I was, yesterday. I haven't eaten anything solid for the past 2 days and my 2 girls came to college with my favorite peanut butter toast from Paparich :') that brighten up my day in an instance. It wasn't really quite today, I laughed. I don't remember laughing the day before, till very late at night when Eddy plays his part to making everything feel so much better.

Sayang, I'm sorry I'm not strong. I'm sorry for being so weak around you but I don't know who's shoulders I could lean on, but yours. I'm sorry if I don't seem like I'm fighting hard enough, but believe me that I'm trying my best to battle my way out. I know you mean what you said. I know you meant it when you told me you won't go down without a fight. I thank you for that. God knows where I'd be without you,Boo.

Thanks for being strong for me and for the both of us. Thanks for hearing me cry over the same things. Thanks for even wanting to hold on

And to my girls, Siuvon especially, thanks for being there for me, physically and emotionally. I feel so much lighter in college. Now, every morning I wake up with an urge to go to college. Like there's a whole better life there, compared to where I got myself into. Thanks for understanding and for knowing what's best for me.

Thanks for being here when I need you most. I miss you Eddy. Everyday. All the time.

Should it all come crashing down around me

2011-05-30T00:25:00.005+08:00

I guess it turned out to be consequence number 2 after all.

I don't know what I feel right now. I feel so afraid and tied down as if someone is watching my every move. I can't stop thinking, my mind is filled with thoughts. I try to wipe my tears but they keep falling down. I keep struggling to hold my breath. I can't calm down. I haven't eaten the whole day, my last meal was our usual Sunday morning breakfast. My hands are shaking, but I'm not cold. I feel weak, like I would break anytime.

I've got this sudden feeling of lonesome. I turn around and all of a sudden my world darkens. I can't see you, I can't feel you. I don't know where you are. I miss you. I miss your goodnight texts and stupid jokes. I miss your voice. I could barely hear it a while ago. Im gonna miss the way the little things we do, fill up my day. Im gonna miss the way our schedule would always work simultaneously, where our days would always end with me and you. I miss you.

I feel so tired and washed out. I feel so emotionally drained. I can't hold my grasp any longer. Just please catch me because I'm gonna fall, and I know if you don't, I'm about to hit rock bottom.

Just please let me grow old with you.

There is a light that never goes out

2011-05-29T12:26:00.004+08:00

Have you ever done something you're not supposed to? When you know you'll be in deep shit if something goes wrong. Its the whole thrill, really. That's the only reason we all do it right? Just to feel that gush of adrenaline running through your bloodstream. The risks we take in life put us on the fence, and in between just 2 consequences.

1; You play smart and win over the situation. You win the pride, the fun, the whole chase of it all.

BUT

2; You get caught. Something goes wrong, things go the total opposite way and your only friend would turn out to be, remorse.

Be it cheating on an exam, stealing a car, sneaking out at night, smoking a joint, getting into a club, meeting up with an ex. Whatever. It still comes down to only 2 outcomes. And at the end of it all, you might just regret but then again, you might also have a little taste of what its like to get your heart pumping for the wrong reasons. Everybody is a rebel :)

No, I'm not colour blind

2011-05-22T21:57:00.003+08:00

Baby, its raining. Make sure I don't slip away. Just let it wash off my insecurities and tell me we'll be okay.

The screams from the electrifying chase

2011-05-15T20:16:00.006+08:00

A glimpse of his glowing silhouette

And her wondering eyes stares

Without regret, without regret

The slight touch from the tip of his fingers

Pulled away fast

Like an accident done on purpose

Her knees go weak,

As her honest heart whispers

"He makes me shake. And punch your chest

My beats lose coordination

I can't control this situation

He makes me fall into your gut

And brings me back up

I can't stop pounding

Your rib cage is breaking

Stop! Stop!

Tell him to stop

Whatever he's doing

Im definitely losing"

His presence fed her hunger for company

They played along

Thinking it was funny

She tripped and fell into his longing for better tomorrows

But managed to pull his hand

Along to fight their twisted sorrows

She walks with a smile, like how she always does

Except they were now drawn with sincerity

Its like he has this crayon up his sleeve

To paint her clouds when the sun strikes

To colour her sky when the storm breaks

To draw her petals when the wind blows

She says the flames were burning inside

Everytime his scent creeps up to her

He smells like the dew from the morning rain

Like the grass on a sunny day

Like the mountains on a chilly night

That seems brighter

With the luminous moon

Spoken too soon?

Not when he was the benefit of her doubts

I will be by you

No matter

However

They can try to pull me away

Who ever they are

Im still here to stay

For you make everything feel new

Every word sounds so true

Just let me grow old with you

A place to call my own

2011-05-14T10:09:00.004+08:00

What. If.

The 2 words that fuck everybody's minds up, when put together.

I always stumble upon this time of life when I over-think lots of things. When I ask myself questions that even time can't answer.

What if we're just here for the wrong reasons?

What if we're better off with a distance?

What if I walk away when you choose to stay?

What if we just dont pull through?

What if, what if, what if? What would happen to me, then? No, you cant just tell me we'll see where the future takes us. Because you've become a really huge part of my life and I simply need the assurance. The assurance that we'd still be us, when they fall apart. That it will still be me and you, when they break each other's hearts.

Im afraid we would oversee the special connection we posses, and I'll be my old self again; to leave when we run dry. Even when I believe we never will be tired of each other. My ignorance might just make me walk away. Im just afraid I'd take us for granted. Im just afraid.

Do you think we're going to last?

Yes.

Why?

Because I know we can

...

Because I can't imagine my life without you

But you had a life before me

And now it's filled with you. It has become a routine. Every morning when I wake you up for class, I'd get to listen to your sleepy voice. And then you'd call me when you're in the car with the handsfree, and we'd talk again. And then you'd text me when you've parked the car. And then we'd see each other after class. And we'd hang out during the weekends and then it goes back. My days would be so empty without you. Ya, maybe I'd be spending more time in the studio but it stops there.

Can you imagine how our lives would be like if we're not together?

No.

Exactly. Dont ask me stupid things.

I was just wondering. And Im terrified that maybe someday I'd drift away, subconsciously.

Then I'd snap the living crap out of you.

Its never simple, Never easy

2011-05-14T09:43:00.003+08:00

Its human nature, really, to take things for granted. To only yearn for what we do not have. To keep searching for something different, when the truth is, what we need is what we have. Who we need in life are those who are right in front of us.

Never overlook them. Because when you realise they're all you ever need, it might be too late. They might have fallen into somebody else's favour. The guilt that eats you up then, is simply unbearable. I know life gets pretty overwhelming sometimes, but that shouldn't stop you from taking a second to see who really matters.

People are people. They do what they can to be the best in everyone's eyes. Life is like a competition to most of us nowadays. There is however, an ugly truth behind it all. Not many gives a flying fuck about you. Trust me. Those smiles and the warm greetings they throw at you are fake. Just for the sake of holding up a good name. So when new people come into your lives, it does not give you the permission to ignore those who have stayed by you through it all.

My words might not have been arranged in the nicest of manner, but you'd understand when it really hits you. Sometimes the best way to learn is from the mistake itself. Just make sure you're guarded and ready to swallow the remorse.

Don't let me let you go

2011-05-12T23:56:00.000+08:00

I always come across this phase where I tend to take in everything that comes my way. But other times, I just let the world know how I'm affected by it.

And how I tell the world, isn't that my choice to make?

Maybe it's jokes that are more hurtful, than funny.

Maybe it's promises that are taken for granted.

Maybe it's words that sounds more empty, than being meaningful.

Maybe it's thoughts that are ignored, rather than taken seriously.

Maybe it's the feeling of being underestimated

Maybe it's being shouted at impulsively.

Maybe its just me being feeble. But then again, I don't carry a heart of stone. Im not God.

As the waves crash around you

2011-05-08T23:23:00.003+08:00

Can you hear that?

It's my heart thumping,

You're sitting so close

Can you feel that?

It's my hands quivering,

As we sin, with a little skin on skin

Can you see that?

It's my smile drawing,

Up across my face

Without warning,

You give me this new life

I now embrace

Can you promise me?

That we'll forever be?

No, not forever.

Forever doesn't exist.

Just promise me,

I'd always be your 'She' and you'll be my 'He'

Promise me?

For us, you'd fight and not flee

Promise me?

Cos you get me so weak in my knees

Promise me?

For I choose nobody else

But you and me

"What would you do if I were to marry someone else?"

"I'd kill you?"

I had a dream last night

2011-05-04T23:55:00.003+08:00

Dont say a word, just come over. And lye here with me.

In life, we all come across this phase where we tend to realise, how different everything is. How unfamiliar the faces become, how funny the atmosphere smells and how new places make you feel so naive and ignorant. So fragile. Like a newborn.

That is the phase where a line is scribbled between our nutshell and, LIFE.

Some may leap across onto the other side, with confidence like a King. Some try to fight their growing curiosities. And others? They take a step back, instead. Maybe they're just afraid of changes. Maybe they have grown to love their comfort zone. Maybe they're just very much satisfied with what they've got on their side.

'How's life, Jan?'

'Are you enjoying life now?'

'Wow, Jan! Your life seems so exciting now'

I never understood what they meant by LIFE. And now, I shall see it through my own perception. So if life really is this phase where i cross that line then, I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed by the changes it has brought along. Good changes, bad changes, I dont know. But trust me, everything is so different now. Instead of jumping into Mama's front seat, I now have to endure the traffic every morning. Instead of walking down to the school canteen with my classmates, my lunch breaks now are more filled with phonecalls and texts to recruit a brief social group. Instead of putting on the same uniform, I now spend a good 10 minutes starring into my closet, wondering what to wear.

2011, wow. 2011 has brought huge changes into my life. It makes me feel like I'm at the start of a long stretch of an endless road. Where it leads me, I don't know. I used to be the type who was afraid to find out. I used to be the one who holds grudges. I used to be so uptight and was always fighting to be aware of my surrounding.

But 2011 and its events so far, has taught me lessons. Priceless lessons. The people I've met, the places I've been to and the things I've done might all be different. But if all those differences have moulded me to be more carefree, and have made me loosen my grip, maybe they're good differences after all. And Im still more than excited to find out what 2011 has in store for me, for the remaining rest of the year.

The weekend and forever

2011-05-02T19:25:00.002+08:00

"It's either we get married or we break up"

That's how everybody's roads end up. But I'm not letting go of you just yet.

The weekend was ours.

Ours in the mornings, along in the afternoons and all through the night.

The weekend was great. And it was ours.

Where everything's nothing, without you

2011-04-24T23:18:00.004+08:00

I felt the first clasp from your bandaged hand

And i knew right there and then,

I was going to fall in love

With the boy from the band

I look at you now and I see past all flaws,

All downfalls

All faults All mistakes

All weaknesses

All Imperfections

All errors

I don't ignore them, I don't push them away, I don't make you hide them.

I allow them in because they teach me lessons I may never be able to learn by myself.

The shiniest charm on my bracelet

2011-04-24T15:50:00.004+08:00

The rain is pouring,

Hard, Strong, Fast

Just like my heart, when it recognizes your aura

You're across the table, with college notes squinting your eyes

Your hands lay flat by the Mac,

Fingers barely moving, just slight quivers from the chill

My eyes begged to move,

but my heart stayed still.

Every raindrop that touches my skin, tingles my spine

And how the smell of the rain,

makes your silhouette shine.

You might not be my first

But tell me,

What could possibly measure up to us?

I may not be your best

But trust me,

I'll fight to make us last

You retrace the steps from my careless acts,

And stay on the phone whenever I'm alone

You finish the sentences from my twisted tongue,

And scream the words to my sing-alongs

Of traded tees and matching Chucks,

Stupid disagreements and irritating fights

Of exchanged favourites and Sunday morning breakfasts,

Fat meals, Dress-Up Days and Pinky promises.

I don't believe in forever, but baby you're my ever after.

Steady my breathing

2011-04-10T23:35:00.003+08:00

The weekend was short but its so ironic how we could fit in so much. On Friday, Andy and I went to Cyberjaya to pick Eddy up from college since I'm on break now :) We had breakfast in the car on our way there. That was fun :) Thennnn, later that night Eds and I went for our next Fat Meal on the list at Ar-Rawsha; this place that serves THE fucking best Arab food!

And without paying attention to our bloated tummies, we ended up in KLCC for the Twin Towers concert and managed to watch Yuna perform for the opening :) Eddy's surprise for the night :)

I didnt see Eddy on Saturday :( K.

Sunday! Me and Eds went for our usual sunday morning breakfast we have every week at Paparich and it annoys me how quickly the hours past, whenever I want them to last. About a couple of hours after breakfast I drove off to Pj Hilton to meet up with my teacher who promised me she'd buy me lunch if i scored good for my exams. So, promised fulfilled! Tummy filled! :D

Then I went home, dived onto my bed and stared into the ceiling as my mind started to get attacked by thoughts on how bland my days would be without him. And how quickly the weekend came to an end. Just as I was trying to swallow the disappointment, he called to tell me he was coming to pick me up for yet another surprise! :) Soon after, i got into his car and we drove off, along with his sister, Erin and yes, Daniel Choo too! The journey was short and fast and it brought us to this HUGE park with people flying kites everywhere! How can you not love this boy right?

toinfinity

Out of this world

2011-03-27T16:55:00.002+08:00

Mama; Me

I haven't seen you on the treadmill for quite some time now

I knowwwww right? I was planning to run later today

It must feel really good to be in love with this boy

And what does that have anything to do with me running?

I know running makes you feel good. If you're so occupied with him, he must make you feel really good too.

He does

Keep me awake, keep me amazed

2011-03-27T16:34:00.002+08:00

My weekend was as usual, packed with random plans with Eds. I lost track of the things we did but we watched 3 bloody movies this week. Totally raped the cinema right there :) HAHA

I picked him up yesterday and we stopped for some meatballs before we decided to drive all the way to Cyberjaya :D We figured another movie would be too much. He showed me around his campus and the places he would sit by everytime I'm on the other line. And at least now I know how to get thereeeeee :) We drove the Polo to and back home like someone was shooting us to star for some good ass Fast&Furious movie or something. Owned the highway! Like a BOSSSSS.

Later that night Eds and the sister, along with his friends came over my area to spend Earth Hour together. He made pasta for dinner :) We set up the picnic blanket down on the greens of the golf course, planted candles on the ground and played along to a great night. We all decided to play Slipper Rugby which was shit awesome.

Everyone went home sweating like pigs but it was worth every tackle, every scratch and every scream. Worth every chant and cheer everytime someone runs for a touchdown. It was worth everything :)

Shivers down my spine

2011-03-13T17:18:00.000+08:00

Sweat out the adrenaline!

2011-03-13T08:20:00.005+08:00

So here's to another great weekend.

My friday was mellowed down during my last class for the day when Eddy texted me to tell me he won't be home till very late in the day. It was only 11.30 in the morning then, and I was already itching like crazy to see him. Its probably his absence from the past 6 days.

I drove back to Damansara an hour later to meet up with Ma for lunch. On my way there I was cracking my head to try and think of who to drag along with me to Cyberjaya so Eddy could come home a little earlier than expected. And I've always wanted to see his campus and shit. So i woke Daniel up and told him to tell Tana too, that i'll pick them up and they should be willing to get lost with me throughout the journey to Cyberjaya.

When i picked the boys up all they could do was stall time. Choo made me go back to Damansara to get his sweets, then he went out of the car to smoke, and this and that and all the little hassles in between started to tick me off and I was getting shit restless. So I fucked Choo up and told him we're leaving for Cyberjaya that instance. He made me make one last stop before we go. He said Eddy's mom had something to pass to him. So we stopped by Eddy's place and I told Choo to get out of the car to see Ed's mom. He hesitated and Tana was being a bitch too so I was pissed and decided to get down and do it myself.

I turned my head to the right and saw a very familiar silhouette from the corner of my eyes. It took me at least 5 seconds to finally realise it was Eddy standing by my car. I screamed. Literally. He came into the car and thanked the boys for helping him pull the prank. He's been home since 11.30, when his text came in. I smiled and we drove off to Ikea for some good ass meatballs :) The night was further spent at a mamak and we went home soon after since Eddy had a jamming session later that midnight.

I went to bed all happy and excited for the next day to come. Well that was only Friday :) calm your tits!

Saturday. Was. Amazing.

I drove to Damansara at a little before 11 to pick up Eddy and accompany him run some errands before their big performance at One Cafe later that evening. Then we met up with 2 of his bandmates at the mamak where they were briefly discussing about their upcoming performance. Tick tock tick tock and it was already almost 1pm so we decided to have lunch at McDonalds. We sat and ate and sat some more until everyone was FINALLY ready to go. Eds drove my car behind Mukhlis's where the rest of the boys are in. The destination to KL seemed pretty quick so as soon as we arrived, the boys got their stuff ready. They had their soundcheck session right before the performance to make sure all was well. Dinah, Aley and the rest came to watch them too, soon enough.

Tick tock tick tock and it was FINALLY time for Grow Up, Godzilla! to perform. They went on stage a little weak in the knees but as the songs went on, their energy grew. The audiences started crowding the front of the stage and some started moshing at the centre of the floor. They played tremendously. All so full of passion, all tight with good chemistry and after 4 songs the crowd applauded and chanted for an encore! They wrapped it up with one of the most well known song; Hey John, What's Your Name Again. The crowd got even more excited and everyone was practically all so hyped up.

After their performance, they came down the stage all drenched with sweat and pretty much satisfied with what they have brilliantly delivered. We sat out side for awhile before we parted ways. Me and Eddy headed back while the rest stayed around the area for dinner. Ma texted me on our way home and told me they were having dinner at Uptown. So I forced Eds to come along and have dinner with my parents. He was making a fuss about his hair being messy and that he smelled of sweat, and how he was shy but I drove to Uptown nonetheless, not giving shit about his reasons :D

We got there, met up with Ma and Daddy and had a pretty casual dinner session. Good casual :) We dropped Eds home and Ma drove my car back. And an hour later Eds came back as promised to watch a movie with me. The one that Siuvon has downloaded, but the laptop was being a little bitch so we decided to just talk. And talk. and talk.

Phew. There. There goes my weekend and its now Sunday. I hate Sundays now :( Eddy is going back. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaih, that calls for another draggy week :(

A new page in the book

2011-03-02T22:05:00.003+08:00

So i believe I haven't mentioned anything much about college. And since today has been a pretty awesome day, I shall :) So these are the people I'm closest to in college. The bitch especially. She's a lot like me! I love how she thinks like me, and how we've got so much in common. I love how she understands me so easily though we've only known each other for a couple of months.

Siuvon Bowen, people call her. I call her retarded :) My lunch breaks are spent with her well, everyday but today the boys decided to join and we all agreed to drive out to get something a little different than the usuals around Plaza Damas.

We all got into my car and drove to Solaris to end up at In-House where we had Arab for lunch! Its been a while since i last had arab food so it was pretty ahmayzangg. We had a brief session of shisha and came to agree that Thinking Skills class shouldn't be in our schedule as of today. So skip thinking skills class, we did. And we all ended up going to Tutti Fruitti forsome good ass froyo! BLISS.

Siuvon&Jelisco

And Chester

Jelisco. Again.

Dayerm. Don't they all have shit awesome names? HAHA

We drove back home in time for my Math class but the boys still decided to be rebellious so they went ahead and skipped maths too. Haha i guess boys WILL be boys.

An hour later, Adam called to tell me he was done with work so as promised, i waited for him at the car park and we drove off to Rasta for another session of shisha. That didn't really do my body good cos my head felt all heavy and I almost threw up on Adam after countless puffs from today. HAHA. Great catching up with the boy, nonetheless :) I dropped Adam home and went straight back just to make sure I dont get caught up in the traffic.

I didnt :)

I locked my car, went up to my room, switched on the aircond, threw myself on the bed and without contemplating, I dialed Eddy's number on my cell. With ease, my day was made even better than it already was before.

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